video1536930211

0:10

S… Speaker 2 (video1536930211)

So.

0:24

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

Really, this webinar is all around healing, but the number one mistake that I see in healing and how to avoid it. I'll be covering different topics about what is healing. And again, this is what my personal opinion on healing. The definition is what it looks like, what it looks like to date when you feel like you're ready to heal. And then.

0:54

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

actually give you guys an exercise to see, to really help hone in on this idea of healing. And then the difference between healing and healed. And then at the end, I'll open it up for a Q&A. So have you guys ever taken an intentional season of singleness for the purpose of healing? You've focused your intention and attention on Jesus and faith.

1:30

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

you've done the work of healing and therapy, you've set aside time to discover gifts, purposes, and then also specifically just healing from those core wounds of rejection, abandonment, and identity. But then coming back to it, you still feel like you lack clarity, you're confused and lost at times, you're frustrated and you have a desire to give up, discouraged, doing something wrong, but then also

1:58

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

that intentional time of healing from rejection abandonment and identity um you are still dealing with those wounds um this is for you and this is what um that number one mistake is going to be talking about and how to avoid it and how to actually walk in uh healing and wholeness so before we even get started

2:28

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

the ground rules of what is healing and that definition because I feel like everybody and if you've been with me in workshops I always ask to define terms if you use a term and I don't understand I want to know what you mean by it and so in this workshop I'm going to define healing as the awareness to discern what is a past memory

2:54

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

The current contributors and the ability to communicate to all involved what needs to be done for you. And healing in the sense that this is a process. This is not what healed looks like. And just take a moment even now of the things that you have decided to heal from or desire to heal from. What does that look like in your life? If you were to use this definition.

3:30

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

And really breaking it down into three parts of the awareness. And I would liken that as an awakening. An awakening and then the discernment of past and present. And then the ability to communicate. And that doesn't mean that you do it perfectly. That doesn't mean that it's seamless or flawless. That just means that you have the ability to use your voice.

3:56

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

that you have the ability to be aware of what your needs are and to communicate it to either yourself or to another person. And really what it comes down to is that your past experiences have stopped running your life. And so now you actually get to be present and you get to choose what actions you take from certain activities, events that happen in present time.

4:30

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

And so that awareness of the awakening of realizing, yeah, those things may have happened in the past, but I get to respond differently. I don't get to react from an old wound or an old pattern or a past cycle. And then I get to do things differently and use my voice like I have not before. And so that's breaking down the word of healing and what it looks like, just so that we have a...

5:00

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

an accurate, or not an accurate foundation, but a common ground on what I mean by healing in this workshop. And so that question always comes up of when am I ready to date? How do I know if I'm healed enough to date? And so if we were to use that definition, healing, you have awareness.

5:29

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

You're no longer projecting onto somebody else your core wounds or wounds in general. There's a discernment of I am living a current life and not living or reliving a past experience or a past memory with a different person. And you have a purpose of dating. There's no longer this need or this wound within yourself that you are trying to fill.

6:01

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

um that also just falls under awareness and there's accountability you're no longer um what is called uh trauma island because you've learned how to let people in you've learned how to to some degree or to some extent allow people to see you in your weakness um in your flaws um and to be called higher and that's that's not always done when you are

6:32

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

when you're unhealed because it is difficult for people to see you in an imperfect imperfect state and accountability sharpens you and when you're unhealed and you have wounds that sharpening that iron sharpening iron is actually hurtful for you so since we have that kind of not kind of but we do have that

7:05

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

established definition and we know what is necessary or needed to date there's this number one mistake that happens um and it and i'm sure that you guys have come across this when you've taken an intentional time of healing uh an intentional time of singleness an intentional time of

7:30

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

dedicating you know whatever it is of I really want to grow in my relationship with Jesus or I really want to grow in the word when we get back into what I would call quote unquote real life we come against this we'll come against a situation or a scenario where it rubs up against everything that we have done in the past.

7:56

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

And so rejection comes up or abandonment comes up or an identity issue comes up. And we think to ourselves that, man, we didn't heal, but that's actually a wrong mindset. And that's a mistake that we actually make, but it's not the number one mistake. And so really there's a difference between healing and healed.

8:24

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

And words are so powerful because our brain wants to make sure that we actually tell ourselves the truth. And so when we repeat something to ourselves, our brain will confirm things to us. And so when we say we took an intentional time of healing and we healed from rejection, abandonment, or worthlessness, and we come up against a situation where that really rubs it wrong.

8:50

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

and shows us parts that we are still unhealed, we are healing because different scenarios and different situations require a level of healing. When you reach that level of healing, I'm going to talk specifically about dating. When you heal from rejection, abandonment, and identity, you enter into the realm of dating.

9:17

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

These wounds hit differently. And it's not that you didn't heal. It's that there's a different expectation from when you're at work, you're with family or you're with friends because a dating experience, the stakes are higher, right? Like you can't leave your friend on read when they hurt your feelings or you can't leave your person on read when they hurt your feelings, but you can leave your friend on read and they wouldn't know any of the difference.

9:48

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

um if they did hurt your feelings or not unless you communicated that to them or unless they've been your best friends and know your patterns and cycles but for the most part um friends and family

10:00

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

Emily, when you leave them on read and you, you know, you can play it off of like, man, I was so busy, like the last few hours or the last few days or the last few weeks. And now I'm coming back to it. You could secretly play out that.

10:14

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

you know, they didn't hurt your feelings or that you weren't bothered by something that they said. But when you're in a dating relationship, the stakes are higher. And so the expectation and the standard of care is going to look differently and it's going to hit you in a different manner. And so it's not necessarily that you didn't heal from something. It's just, there's a deeper level of healing and healing. There are layers to healing and there's a process to it.

10:41

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

And so I'll actually get into that. We, the number one mistake that we actually do in healing is that we heal from the place we are currently at and not from the place that we desire to be. And what I mean by that is we heal from a situational item or a situational event. You were rejected or, you know, somebody ghosted you or a friend.

11:07

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

ended a friendship and we heal from that place and that wound not from the wholeness of rejection not from the wholeness of abandonment not from the wholeness of um finding our true worth in christ because situations poke at us and we we see in this small sense that we need healing versus an overall overarching idea or realization that

11:37

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

this is probably in every single area of our life and we just don't know it. And so when I say that we heal from the place that we are at and not from the place that we are supposed to be or we want to be or desire to be, we see these biblical examples. When Jesus heals somebody, he actually gives them.

12:01

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

uh an action to do so that they're not actually in that place anymore and so when somebody's healed from blindness he or that uh blind man he says go wash the dirt or the mud off from your eyes and so he's not sitting there anymore from the place of where he was blind um an action step actually shows him that he's no longer blind and he's actually healed um somebody who he healed from leprosy he tells them go and show yourself to the priest

12:33

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

And it's twofold of healing did happen and you're no longer with leprosy. And then to also just for the priest to know that they are also healed. And so there's this command of healing, but then the action step that actually goes with it, that the place that they were at, the place that they occupied, they're no longer in that place anymore.

13:01

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

And we'll see that with crippledness or deafness throughout the scriptures, there's always an action.

13:09

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

And so when I talk about situational healing, we heal from rejection or abandonment and identity. And again, it's that situational event that happened and we heal from situations of rejection. We heal from situations of abandonment and we heal from situations of identity or worthlessness or fill in the blank, whatever it may be, whatever it is for you. We heal from that situation because that is the most pressing, the most painful, the most aware that we are and how it shows up and how it affects us.

13:39

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

But when the Bible says, where no vision is the people perish, this is where it fits of your vision is so limited to this situation and that you can't zoom out and imagine what does a life look like without rejection? What does a life look like without abandonment issues? What does a life look like if I was secure in my identity in Christ throughout every area of my life?

14:11

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

And so what does it look like to be fully healed from rejection? What does it look like to be fully healed from abandonment, from worthlessness, from a victim mentality? And so we start pivoting from the things that we don't want. We don't want to be rejected. We don't want to be abandoned. We don't want to feel worthless. We don't want to feel like we are powerless or we don't want to feel like we are a victim.

14:40

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

But when does that pivot happen of the action steps or the vision that we paint for our lives or that we dream for our lives? That's the mistake that happens of I'm going to heal from rejection and these wounds are no longer going to show up in these areas. But what does that actually mean? And what does that actually look like?

15:00

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

What does it feel like? What does it sound like? And then there's a learning curve with healing. And we forget that when we heal, I'm going to use biblical terms again, or a biblical example is when we heal from or when Jesus heals from.

15:41

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

Let's say he's healing a man from being crippled. And so now he has the use of his legs. But the learning curve is realizing that you can't walk 8, 10, 12 hours on your legs and not get tired. That doesn't mean that you weren't healed. That just means you have to understand the strength of your legs. How long can you actually walk on them before you have to rest?

16:10

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

Or when somebody's healed from leprosy and discovers there's poison ivy, that doesn't mean that he wasn't healed. He just, the learning curve of there are things that in this world that I didn't realize cause certain type of skin reactions that, oh, in the future, the learning curve is that's what poison ivy looks like. And that's what happens to my body. And so I'm going to stay away from that. Same thing with somebody who's deaf.

16:40

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

jesus heals them but realizing that there's certain cares um that we need to take with our with our hearing and so there are certain levels and volumes that we don't um it's like on our ears too and that doesn't mean that we're not healed that means that there we are learning what it means to actually walk out healing

17:06

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

And so what happens is we forget that when we are healed, when we come into healing, that process of healing, we forget that there are decades of our lives that we have lived with rejection, that we have lived with abandonment, that we have lived with the idea that we are worthless. And so when we come into healing, this one area of our life, we're healed or healing from rejection.

17:36

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

But our whole body has to come into agreement. This one portion of our body now has the ability to see, but our body has lived so long not being able to see. And so the learning curve is realizing, oh man, like.

18:00

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

I can see yes or no I can't like stare at the sun like directly because that's not good for my eyes so the learning curve of um I healed from rejection but it's still going to come up because I lived so long with it I lived in the comfort of rejection that I have to come out of agreement with rejection

18:25

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

and remind my body that I have healed in this portion, but it feels really weird or it feels uncomfortable. And so that learning curve, whatever it may be, whatever it may feel like for you, that's what the learning curve is of healing. And that's the mistake that we make is that we agree that we didn't heal, but the process of healing.

18:49

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

is walking that out of realizing yes my legs need to rest or I can't listen at this volume even though I can hear or even the example of like poison ivy of what you are allowed to touch or what you're not allowed to touch or even just reactions and so it's learning how does that show up and how does my body respond because it was so used to living that way in the past

19:21

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

So I actually want to do an exercise with y'all. I'm going to stop sharing right now. How do I say this? To help you realize what I mean by the discomfort of it, the learning curve and patterns and cycles and how it actually shows up. And so I'm going to ask you to hold your hands.

19:57

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

probably about like six inches apart.

20:02

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

and quickly put them together so that they clasp on the count of, I will count to three and then you will clasp your hands together. So one, two, three. And I want you to notice which thumb is on top. Is it your left thumb or your right thumb? And so we'll do that a couple of times. And then I'm going to switch it up in a little bit. So one, two, three.

20:36

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

Is it your left thumb or your right thumb? And then this time I actually want you to do the opposite of what it was. And so if it was your left thumb that was on top, I want you to quickly make sure that it's your right thumb that's going to be on top. And then I just also want you to pay attention to what that feels like. So as your hands are apart about six inches.

21:04

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

After three, you will clasp your hands and it has to be the opposite thumb that it has been. One, two, three. I want you to pay attention to what that feels like. And if you want to drop it in the chat of, not if actually, please do share in the chat what that felt like for you to do the opposite of what you were used to.

21:49

R… Reading Comments from Chat (video1536930211)

it was awkward yeah foreign totally valid new different um and yeah you have to consciously make it go on top and so really that this um the feelings that you guys have and what it felt like um is different right like it's not natural it's totally something that you have to like think about um

22:32

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

And no doubt it's uncomfortable. And that's what healing looks like is because you've done this pattern and cycle for decades of your life. And now you want to do something different. Like you're not going to play out rejection. You're not going to live out abandonment. And it feels weird. It feels foreign. It feels different. And you have to be conscious about it. And so when we're in a healing state, we feel like we're doing something wrong.

23:03

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

where it feels so foreign because we've not lived that way before. And what happens is we want to be comfortable because doing something new and doing something different is so uncomfortable and we revert to past patterns and cycles. And then we get frustrated because it's like, no, I don't want to live in rejection, but to do something different is foreign because I've never lived that way before.

23:33

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

And so we don't actually allow ourselves to, I would say that we don't really understand what the process of healing looks like. And we miss out on giving ourselves grace and patience and understanding and holding both. That as we are awakening to the past patterns and cycles that we have and wanting to dream better and live better and do better and be better for ourselves,

24:07

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

There's a space in this transition season of learning what that looks like and what it feels like. And it's uncomfortable and it's different. And it requires all of us and all of our being to be conscious of what would it be like right now if I didn't act out of a place of rejection, if I didn't act out of a place of abandonment, if I knew without a shadow of a doubt what my identity was rooted in.

24:36

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

And secure in that, how would I actually act? No matter how uncomfortable, different, or foreign it actually is. Does this make sense?

25:02

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

Yeah. So in a nutshell, that's the number one mistake in healing that we make. The inability to hold both, the inability to be in the tension of old and new and walking out and coming out of agreement of it.

25:32

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

not realizing the learning curve of it and what it actually takes of us to walk out healing and to be healed. So with that, that is what I have in under 30 minutes. So if you guys have any questions, clarifications, thoughts, anything you guys want to hash out, feel free to ask.

26:29

S… Speaker 2 (video1536930211)

i have a question for the video on this but um how do i ask this question so for me i think i've like i've done the work in kind of healing and therapy um

26:48

S… Speaker 2 (video1536930211)

from a lot of sort of childhood wounds, abandonment, rejection, identity stuff. Like it's been a long journey, a long process of healing. But when it comes to dating, for me, it's like, this is a whole other ballgame. I need a degree here. What's going on? Like, how do you, I guess, how do you navigate dating from a healed position?

27:15

S… Speaker 2 (video1536930211)

Because, so I give an example. So a guy that I've been speaking to for about a month now, he's like, sorry, I don't know how to ask my question. We've been talking every day pretty much, but I can see that sort of he's not putting as much into it as I would want.

27:41

S… Speaker 2 (video1536930211)

in something like there's not like there's a lot of reciprocation but there's not much initiating from his point and I'm like I'm not going to be the one to chase and and pursue and stuff so like I've done that and I suggest having a video call and things like that and he's like just not taking it so I'm at the point where I'm like the the wounded me would feel rejected and would feel you know like oh this isn't working but I'm actually in a place where I'm like no like

28:14

S… Speaker 2 (video1536930211)

I don't feel that but I also don't just want to leave it like do I say something or do I know there's my question you I um

28:42

I talk about core values um and so really you go back to your core values for me is communication no matter if I like you or not I'm going to communicate um so I'm going to say something but I may not have to be detailed about it yeah. Right. Like just, Hey, it's not working out. I'm no longer interested. Especially if you guys haven't had like a video call and it's just messaging back and forth. There's no personal interaction. Yeah. Right. There's like no level of any type of commitment. And I use that word very loosely. So yeah, just.

29:10

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

there was a guy that I was messaging back and forth with and I just like didn't feel it um and I was like hey you know thanks for the conversation um I wish you well thank you yeah but I will also say um

29:33

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

I invite you to pivot from like, yes, you deserve more than that, but be like detailed of I am looking for somebody who's going to initiate video calls. Right. Like when you, when you end something, when you leave something, it's always, I didn't like that because I want this. So do I, do I communicate that to him?

30:00

Just within yourself, the clarity that you need within yourself. Yeah. Okay. Does that make sense? Yeah. Thank you. Welcome. Anybody? Amanda?

30:25

S… Speaker 3 (video1536930211)

I just think there's like. seeing what you presented i think just like it just allows me to have more grace like i know for me personally i can be really hard on myself um and we're all a work in progress you know so i think it just reiterates that like we all need to have grace

30:42

S… Speaker 2 (video1536930211)

I mean, we shouldn't excuse like, you know, toxic or negative behavior cycles or thought patterns, but, um, you know, especially when you are healing, um, things, you know, come up from our past and that that's, you know, especially if we're unlearning and relearning those skill sets, it's, it's, it's going to be a little bit uncomfortable and foreign and that's okay, but we're starting.

31:09

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

yeah and learning takes time yeah yeah thanks for sharing um so um healing is a topic that i love talking about um and if any of you are interested um i have an eight-week program literally that sets out um

31:49

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

not just from the place that you were trying to heal from, but how to pivot into being open to like date again and being open to relationships and what that actually looks like. Cause so many people get stuck of like, yes, I am healed, but don't know how to move forward into a relationship or don't know how to move forward into dating. And so really the eight week program deals with.

32:14

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

Past patterns and cycles, the story that you tell yourself, and the things that have been left unsaid in past relationships, and how to process through that in a way that sets you up as data and as processed. And you can look back and say, these are the things that I don't want in the future. And these are the things that I want to move away from, that I want to heal from, that I want to say no to.

32:44

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

And so the first three weeks are really just processing those pattern cycles, those tendencies, ways that your boundaries aren't as strong as you need them to be or that they need to be.

32:56

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

And then we start to pivot into the last half of the program is how to fall in love with yourself again. Because usually when you are in a relationship, you lose that love for yourself and you lose that strong boundary of the things that you use to practice that light your soul on fire.

33:16

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

You don't do that as much because you're in a relationship with somebody and that takes time and those emotions can overwhelm in a good way, but they take over how you like to feel about yourself. And so that imbalance of relationship, another person and yourself.

33:39

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

walking in or again like how do you fall in love with yourself again and what are those rituals what are those practices um what are the things that you um need to hear and feel and see and believe about yourself and then um then it's falling in love with

33:57

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

uh falling in love again in general with somebody else and so I walk you through core values what is it what what do you want a relationship or a dating relationship want to feel see um experience what do you want to hear um and those core values so then after that it's how do you protect that love how do you protect that love for yourself how do you protect that love in the relationship

34:22

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

And what does it require of you? What are those boundaries? What does that look like? And so really going back to the first three weeks of processing, where did I lose those boundaries? And where did I say no? Or where did I smudge on? Or what did I just completely throw out the window? And then it is what I call proofing of, you know, what your past tendencies are and what your cycles are and those patterns.

34:50

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

But how can we set up healthy ways to practice that? And so when you're feeling a certain type of way or you feel like.

35:00

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

want to indulge or distract or deflect or suppress, what are healthy ways that can replace those unhealthy pattern cycles and tendencies? And so you've really just set up yourself for, you've given yourself a blueprint of, I know myself in the past, but now I can envision what I want to the future to look like and actually walk towards it.

35:28

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

um and give yourself a roadmap for it um so if you're interested um i'm going to send out a link for a discovery call and this is just something that um i want to make sure that it fits for you if you have any questions and we can dialogue and interact about it um um yeah but it's eight weeks um and it would be something where

35:58

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

Wherever you feel stuck, you actually can get out of that place and move forward. But this is something that's not just going to be like for today. It's going to be at any point in time where you pick it up, you'll have the tools necessary and be equipped to actually move forward in that.

36:22

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

um so if it's not a really if it's a relationship that doesn't work out like two years down the road you'll pick up this blueprint and do it all over again on yourself on your own and actually know how to move forward right you've gotten the tools of like how do i process all of this and where do i want to go from this place um and actually give yourself the roadmap um so yeah

36:46

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

If you're interested, you can either DM me, but I'll also send out an email about it. But yeah, that's something. Does anybody else have anything else to share or talk about? Victor, Federica, you both good.

37:24

S… Speaker 4 (video1536930211)

Yeah, I'm good. I was thinking of a question, but I don't really have one yet. That's coming to my mind. Just being in the dating process, seriously, I think it is.

37:42

S… Speaker 4 (video1536930211)

allowing myself as the other person said the grace to be different to change to see that change and to see how uh I'm responding in it how the other person is responding in it um and managing the awe of it which is the goodness of it as well as the terror it's like oh wow okay so it's it's um

38:10

S… Speaker 4 (video1536930211)

the discussion you have like on the healing it just kind of brought more weight and depth to the internal conversation I've been having already yeah that makes sense

38:52

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

it takes so much out of us um but it's such good work and so worth it so Victor I see that you don't have anything um but. So if you guys don't have anything else, that's what I have for today. If you guys want to share a light bulb moment, I always love hearing those.

39:30

S… Speaker 2 (video1536930211)

For me, it was when you were talking about like, you know, how you can you can do the work and you can heal from all those things. But then you enter the dating scene and it's like everything sort of like re-triggered. And I found myself like, you know, oh, gosh, maybe I'm not healed in that area. But it's just a whole other ballgame. I was talking to someone today and I was like, I feel like I need a degree in dating. What to say, what to not say, what to do, what to not do. So that was really good. Thank you very much. It's been really, really, really good.

40:00

Yeah, you're welcome. I know there's two things to what you say of needing a degree in dating. It's just like interviewing. You have to learn the process of interviewing. interviewing right like when we first interview we like we're not really sure what we're doing um and then we get really good at it and then what really throws it out of the ball game is when we start interviewing companies and we start getting clear on what we want in a company an organization and a boss and like an environment um but that that's a skill to learn like you know interviewing process like

40:27

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

acing the interview that's really easy by that point right you've done so many you know what they're asking for but to read another company because they're really good at what they do what they do um that's a whole nother skill so I liken it to that of dating is like that there's a huge learning curve um and there's so much to learn about it too but it just takes time and it's a process and it's a skill that can be learned but um

40:56

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

how much time and investment you want to make into it yeah that makes sense yeah yeah

41:35

S… Speaker 3 (video1536930211)

melanie to add on to that too i think um i really liked what you said when um antoinette asked the question like you know of how to deal with that situation that she's in and then you said to get closure within yourself of like I didn't like this and I need and want this because I think I know for me in the past I haven't done that and then I've had closure later but like when you're in that process you've got the closure and you're already

41:58

S… Speaker 3 (video1536930211)

you're getting that closure in the moment which is good and I think it kind of goes back to what you just said about like we're also interviewing people we're like it's not just them interested in us we're we also have the responsibility to be interested in them you know it's not just a one-sided thing

42:18

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

yeah the thing with dating is like we forget like we want so badly for somebody to like choose us and like to do life with us and like to want them to be our person um but like zooming out it's like I don't know this person like I don't even know if this person can handle you know my personality the way I laugh like you know like when I get delirious because I'm zero hours of sleep like

42:49

we forget that portion of it of like, can I spend umpteen hours with this person and not get irritated?

43:09

Can I ask one more question? just because I'm learning a lot for me I've like um I was in an abusive marriage from my teens so coming out of it like this is a whole new world for me like I don't know how to do dating this is like uncharted territory completely so I'm just learning a lot and I've been learning about like just this whole

43:30

S… Speaker 2 (video1536930211)

dating with no pressure like just taking off the pressure and having fun just enjoying sort of getting to know someone either chatting video or in person but where do you find the balance with taking the pressure off and just having fun with it to kind of I know what I want I know what I don't want so like communicating that clearly do you know what I mean yes so um

44:06

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

I don't say yes to somebody that I know is a complete no. Does that make sense? Yeah. So like I take the pressure off by like, well, I'm not sure, but I'm not going to know on the screen. Right. I'm not going to know by reading their profile. I'm going to know if I get on a video call with them. I'm going to know if I'm going to know if we have a back and forth interaction.

44:35

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

um but yeah removing the pressure off because I'm not going to know everything in one sitting but I'm also not going to put myself in a situation where I know I'm like a clear like yeah there's some weirdo things in there like that's a no yeah yeah that makes sense yeah and I people ask all the time of like

45:00

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

what are you looking for on the apps of like, well, people are really interesting, but also I know that I'm really clear on like, I eventually want to like be in a serious relationship or, you know, in a dating scenario that like leads to marriage.

45:15

So upfront with that of, you know, I'm not going to be putting any pressure on it because I'm not going to know after the first, second, third date. I'm probably going to know maybe like two months later, three months later after. But before that time, people usually fall off.

45:44

Yeah, that makes sense. So like with this guy, would you say that it's sort of an okay thing if I were to say to him? Like, you know, because because I said about having a video call and he said he'd love to. So but nothing sort of happened since then. So would it be all right to kind of say to him, like, you know, I feel like we've been talking for a while now. I either want to progress to a video call or just I don't know

46:14

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

I'll ask you this. When you mentioned a video call, did you tell him your availability when he said yes?

46:35

S… Speaker 2 (video1536930211)

No, I said. I said I can't remember how I said it but I said it's been great getting to know you would you like to have a video call sometime and he said yeah absolutely I'd love to and I said okay great just let me know when you want to or when you can something like that and he said sounds great. And then that was it. It's not been mentioned again, but there's still been like, there's still been a lot of chatting back and forth.

47:07

So I'm like, yeah, in those scenarios, when something like an idea gets presented, just for my, this is for me. And like the way I personally do things is if they'll agree, then I'll say, cool, this week, this is my availability. What is your availability? I like that it's like direct and assertive yeah because I um that's just like me on a professional level right like but also with like with friends like if you zoom out of like this is a dating thing you would do that with friends hey let's get together cool when are you available this is my availability right and so if you start to zoom out of dating and like take that pressure off

47:38

um you can understand like you can say what you like yeah monday wednesday fridays after blah blah time until whatever time that's when and then you can actually see like okay does he understand what i'm trying to say now yeah but like

48:08

now that time's passed and sort of the video chat hasn't really been brought up again do i bring it up again or do i just leave it uh what do you want i'd like to at least have a video chat with him just to see before i could kind of shut it down just to see if there is anything that like i'd like to i'd like to at least have a video chat and then take it from there but so i mean personally i would just say like hey this week i'm available for a video chat like these days and during these times with like are you available this week okay

48:36

you that's nerve-wracking but okay it's nerve-wracking about it it's just never done it before so or it feels different a conscious awareness yeah okay thank you very much welcome

49:08

the funny thing with dating just in general is rejection shows up in that way of like if I'm not very direct and I kind of like leave it to the other person and I'm like passive about it then I don't get rejected right but the flip side of that is okay but I didn't also get what I wanted but that's because you didn't ask so yeah assertive is key and then there's a way to be assertive and

49:49

I sort of in the way that Melanie, because I feel like for me, and I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but I feel like it's hard for me at times to be assertive yet in my feminine like I feel like it's like assertive or like it's really hard for me to be like assertive yet in my feminine if that makes sense

50:00

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

that totally makes sense um maybe this will help you on how to do that um there's a guy on Instagram that I've had to like call every so often

50:27

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

But it was really, so I just decided to be like flirty. That's not flirty, but flirty. And so I basically said like, hey, I don't remember what your voice sounds like. Should we get on a call? So it's like, right? Like I need a reminder, but you're going to have to come through with that. It's still playful, but also like there's a reason why I'm asking that or saying that.

51:06

so yeah if there's a I would liken femininity as like playful banter so if there's a way that like yeah yeah like I don't know yeah once you get clear on like what you're asking for like oh I want a phone call like how can I be playful about this or like I want a video call like right like um. if you really want to up the level just like could I please see your handsome face so right yeah um so

51:30

S… Speaker 3 (video1536930211)

I mean I have a first date this Sunday and I'm like kind of nervous about it but is it in person or a video call it's in person yeah but I think it'll be good

52:03

S… Speaker 3 (video1536930211)

deep breaths deep breaths yeah no it's just funny because I feel like I was surprised talking about assertive like he came off really like like nervous like he'd say stuff that was confident but being like like if I didn't respond right away like almost like taking it back like I'm sorry if that was too forward but I'm like I'm not on this app all day you know like yeah so he'd be like he'd say something forward and then be like And then I just was like, just own it with like a winky face. And then I was like, you know, like you don't need to like apologize for being forward, you know, like that's fine.

52:31

Yeah. Well, I'm very excited for you. Yeah. All right, guys. Well, if there's nothing else, Luke, I will send out a replay, the replay link. So you'll be able to listen to it.

53:08

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

Just reading your guys' comments. All right. Yeah. So I'll send the replay link and then it'll be good for two weeks. And then I'll also send a link if you are interested in the eight-week program to set up a discovery call. So that's something different. And this discovery call is free. There's no cost to that. It's just a conversation of the program and what...

53:34

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

you're you're good Luke um and what uh it entails and if it's actually a good fit for you so uh yeah all right Antoinette you're a rock star for staying up late

53:53

S… Speaker 1 (video1536930211)

Um, but I hope and pray that this was helpful and insightful and actually is able to move you even forward in your healing journey. And then also, um, with desire, like with designing to date, you know, having, knowing where to move and what is necessary for you to do. So you are all welcome. Thank you so much. It's been really, really good. You're welcome. All right, guys.

54:23

S… Speaker 2 (video1536930211)

Have a great week.

video1536930211

сажетак

Питај ВИ о овом транкрипту