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dangerous to have and to live in this reinforcing

1:15:04

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loop when we are not in a situation

1:15:08

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that our lives,

1:15:09

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that our existence is in danger.

1:15:13

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So it's really important when we are dealing

1:15:17

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with these kind of situations.

1:15:21

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that we are not observing the data and we

1:15:25

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are not taking quick actions based on that.

1:15:29

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What has helped us stay alive for many,

1:15:33

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many years and survive this dangerous world

1:15:37

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

put us in a very dangerous loop.

1:15:41

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right now because we're just dealing with a different pace.

1:15:45

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We're just dealing with a different situation.

1:15:47

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

Sana's camera being off does not threaten

1:15:51

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my existence,

1:15:52

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but my brain does not recognize that.

1:15:55

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A feedback that we get from our bosses telling

1:16:00

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Radia,

1:16:01

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you did not clock in on time.

1:16:03

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Her truth got triggered.

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does not threaten her existence,

1:16:08

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but our brain receives it as threatening our

1:16:12

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existence.

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So now we need to make sure that we

1:16:17

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are not taking decisions from right up here.

1:16:21

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We come down step by step and deal with the

1:16:25

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raw data.

1:16:25

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

We come down step by step and deal with the raw data.

1:16:29

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One might wonder,

1:16:31

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how do I come down of these steps of the ladder?

1:16:35

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Well,

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There are two different types of questions we can ask.

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One of them is inquiry.

1:16:41

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When we ask inquiry questions to understand and

1:16:46

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seek more information,

1:16:47

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when we are asking and trying to see what

1:16:52

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is the person's meaning and paraphrasing what they're telling us,

1:16:56

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clarifying and asking follow -up questions,

1:16:59

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we come down the ladder step by step.

1:17:04

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Instead,

1:17:05

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sometimes we fall into this mistake of asking advocacy

1:17:09

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questions.

1:17:10

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Advocacy is not a bad thing in its own,

1:17:14

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but it does not help us come down the ladder in France.

1:17:19

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In contrast,

1:17:20

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it keeps us up here and tells us,

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yeah, this is the right place to be,

1:17:25

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and I better defend this position,

1:17:27

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and I better defend this action that I've taken.

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It helps me to state my own view again.

1:17:33

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describing what I think how things should be done,

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expressing judgment,

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and urging a course of action,

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and giving orders that

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advocate and that defend a position that I

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am believing in.

1:17:51

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So one might wonder,

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what does an advocacy question look like,

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supposedly a question?

1:17:57

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Something would be like,

1:18:00

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I don't necessarily fall out on Sana right away,

1:18:03

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but I say, hey guys,

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I think we all agree that we're turning our cameras.

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Didn't we?

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This sounds like a question,

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but it doesn't really help me understand why

1:18:15

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Sana doesn't have her phone.

1:18:16

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It just states my position and

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it enforces what I believe in.

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When it comes to inquiry question,

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it would be something like,

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Hi, Sana, I noticed that you don't have your camera on.

1:18:31

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Is everything okay?

1:18:32

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

And she would say,

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well, there are a lot of people moving behind me,

1:18:36

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and that's why I need to turn off my camera.

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Or I'm in a very crowded place.

1:18:42

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That's why I need to turn off my camera.

1:18:44

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

I can ask a follow -up question and say,

1:18:47

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how long do you think you were going to be there?

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S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

How long something might happen?

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S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

Or my computer needed to restart.

1:18:53

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I didn't want to be able to restart it.

1:18:56

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

So now I cannot turn on my camera.

1:18:57

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A lot of technological issues happen.

1:19:00

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So when I'm asking inquiry questions,

1:19:02

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I'm really trying to understand and seek more information

1:19:07

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from the person that I'm dealing with so I

1:19:11

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can find that common ground.

1:19:14

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If you think about this,

1:19:16

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this takes us back.

1:19:17

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This creates a full circle moment and taking us back to our

1:19:21

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first session of identifying interests.

1:19:24

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How do we identify interests?

1:19:26

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By asking questions that allows us to understand our

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counterparts rather than advocating for something that we believe

1:19:34

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in. In no way am I asking you not to advocate for

1:19:39

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yourself.

1:19:39

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If you remember in the first slide,

1:19:41

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negotiation is this tension between learning and

1:19:46

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persuading.

1:19:46

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So there might be some times that this is necessary,

1:19:49

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but the learning is really important to help us

1:19:53

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understand our counterparts.

1:19:55

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So to summarize it,

1:19:59

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when we...

1:20:00

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Ask inquiry questions,

1:20:01

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we are understanding their thinking and reasoning.

1:20:05

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When we are asking advocacy questions,

1:20:10

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you're making your own thinking and reasoning visible

1:20:14

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to others.

1:20:15

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We're just signaling again and saying,

1:20:17

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my position,

1:20:18

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my thinking is everyone should have their cameras on rather

1:20:22

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

than trying to understand why Sana does not have her

1:20:26

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camera on.

1:20:29

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

I have my ladder.

1:20:31

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

That means my counterpart also has their ladders as well.

1:20:35

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If I notice something,

1:20:37

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if I observe a data,

1:20:38

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I notice it,

1:20:40

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I interpret it based on assumptions and experiences.

1:20:44

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I reach a conclusion and take an action,

1:20:47

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my counterpart also has the same thing on their end.

1:20:51

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So it's really important to acknowledge that I'm not the

1:20:55

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only person on top of a ladder.

1:20:56

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I'm also dealing with someone else who might have jumped on top

1:21:01

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

of their ladder and learn how do I help

1:21:06

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

myself come down step by step.

1:21:08

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And how do I help them come down step by step?

1:21:11

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Both of them is through asking inquiry questions.

1:21:14

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We come to a definition.

1:21:17

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I would like for you to read through these two definitions and let me know

1:21:21

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which one do you think is the correct definition of

1:21:25

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naive realism.

1:21:26

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First definition is believe that your basic perceptions

1:21:31

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of how the world works in terms of social and physical reality

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are mostly right.

1:21:37

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or believe that others' perceptions are distorted

1:21:41

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and biased based on their experiences,

1:21:45

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identities,

1:21:46

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and so on.

1:21:47

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So when you read this one,

1:21:49

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which one do you think it's a good fit for something that

1:21:53

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is called naive realism?

1:21:55

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Either

1:22:05

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put number one or number two.

1:22:06

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I love the

1:22:11

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division among numbers.

1:22:17

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Sahra, you were the first person who put two in the chat.

1:22:20

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Are you able to unmute yourself and tell us why do you think it's the

1:22:24

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

second one?

1:22:25

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So

1:22:35

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I think naive itself means that something which

1:22:39

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is not a

1:22:45

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very harmful thought.

1:22:46

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It's something which you're not really aware of.

1:22:49

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So a naive realism can be somebody who believes that

1:22:54

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somebody else's perception is not right.

1:22:57

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Rather than believing their own perception,

1:22:59

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it's thinking that,

1:23:00

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okay, fine, this person has done this because he might have not thought about

1:23:04

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it or he might have assumed.

1:23:05

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So it's more of an assumption.

1:23:07

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So that's the reason I feel it's the second one.

1:23:10

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And your feeling is correct 100%.

1:23:13

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

The second definition is the correct definition of naive realism.

1:23:18

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A lot of the times we tend to pretend that we don't really

1:23:22

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

have all the answers.

1:23:23

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And we do not pretend that we have all

1:23:27

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the answers.

1:23:27

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But gosh,

1:23:28

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that other group,

1:23:30

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their experience,

1:23:31

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their life stories,

1:23:33

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their history has shaped the way that they are being biased,

1:23:37

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has shaped the way that they show up.

1:23:39

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It is so easy for us to evaluate others.

1:23:44

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really understand them and identify their biases.

1:23:48

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But it's incredibly difficult for us to identify

1:23:52

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our own biases and identify what is it that we

1:23:56

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are biased about and what is it that we do not necessarily see

1:24:01

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correctly.

1:24:01

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So it's really important to know

1:24:06

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that it's easier for us to judge others and evaluate

1:24:10

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others rather than evaluate ourselves.

1:24:12

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So what we can do.

1:24:14

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

How do we use the light of inference to help ourselves

1:24:18

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rather than taking an action and saying,

1:24:21

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well, what do you think?

1:24:22

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

It's that group.

1:24:24

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This is how they will react.

1:24:26

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

Instead of taking this action and saying this,

1:24:28

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it is really important for me to understand and ask myself a

1:24:32

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

lot of questions.

1:24:33

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

What is it about this group that I believe and I think about them this

1:24:37

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

way? Why do I do this?

1:24:39

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

What happened?

1:24:40

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

And do I really have concrete evidence

1:24:45

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that every single member of this group...

1:24:48

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acts this specific way and does this thing or is it something that

1:24:52

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I have inherited from my people and then now I'm just singing

1:24:56

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

it out loud to to others so it's really

1:25:00

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

And we can also use this form of asking inquiry questions to.

1:25:05

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to help ourselves understand that it's not necessary,

1:25:09

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it's not true.

1:25:10

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I am not the holder of the truth,

1:25:13

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the whole truth and everything.

1:25:15

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And the other group is not really,

1:25:17

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their noticing is not biased,

1:25:20

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their assumption is not biased,

1:25:21

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their interpretation is not biased,

1:25:24

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and the conclusions and the kind of actions that they're taking is not biased.

1:25:27

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It helps us to take a step back and be open

1:25:31

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

to

1:25:32

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understanding who is it that we're dealing with and what is happening with this

1:25:36

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specific group or with a specific person coming with a specific

1:25:41

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

identity that we're dealing with.

1:25:43

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

Going back to the example of the camera being off,

1:25:48

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

as I mentioned,

1:25:50

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

my silly brain has evolved,

1:25:53

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

but our brain's main function is to keep us alive.

1:25:57

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

It does not care about inventions.

1:25:59

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

It does not care about being creative.

1:26:02

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

Its main job is to keep us alive and survive in this world.

1:26:06

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

So to do this,

1:26:08

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

we are looking only at two parts of the brain.

1:26:11

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

One of them is the prefrontal cortex,

1:26:12

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

and then we have amygdala.

1:26:14

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that

1:26:19

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

is in charge of cognitive control,

1:26:21

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

regulating attention,

1:26:22

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

decision -making,

1:26:24

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

I'm moving my hands,

1:26:25

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

volunteering actions and movements,

1:26:28

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reasoning,

1:26:29

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

flexibility,

1:26:29

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

and response.

1:26:31

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

While amygdala from the minute that we wake up in the morning,

1:26:35

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its main job is to scan for threats.

1:26:38

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

That's what it does.

1:26:40

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

Permanently scans if threat is detected.

1:26:43

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

It cannot distinguish between physical and emotional

1:26:48

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

threat.

1:26:48

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

So in this case,

1:26:50

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

when Sana does not have her phone on,

1:26:52

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my brain receives this as a threat.

1:26:55

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

Because it's a feedback that I have received after preparing for this session

1:26:59

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

and teaching three other sessions.

1:27:02

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

I prepared,

1:27:02

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I woke up early,

1:27:03

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

prepared for the session,

1:27:05

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

went on a walk,

1:27:06

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

and I want to come and show up in this session fully active and engaging.

1:27:10

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

But no,

1:27:11

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

she doesn't have her camera on.

1:27:12

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

So it receives it as a threat.

1:27:15

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

It's things that might...

1:27:17

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

Physical existence is in danger and it triggers a

1:27:21

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

hormone to activate a fight or flight mode.

1:27:25

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

Either I confront her and say,

1:27:28

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

I thought we all agreed that we will have our cameras on.

1:27:32

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

Sana,

1:27:32

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

what's happening?

1:27:33

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

Or I'm flying away from the situation,

1:27:36

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

ignoring it and taking that action,

1:27:38

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

hoping that she's going to come back into the session with her camera on

1:27:42

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

after I altered my whole session.

1:27:47

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

When the amygdala hijack happens,

1:27:50

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

it literally,

1:27:51

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

this little teeny tiny thing that we see down here takes over

1:27:55

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

the prefrontal area of our brain,

1:27:57

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

which means if something gets hijacked,

1:28:00

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

that means our prefrontal area loses the ability

1:28:04

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to stay flexible in response.

1:28:08

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to do a rational reasoning and our

1:28:12

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cognitive control kind of gets lost.

1:28:15

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So it's really important for us to identify and to know

1:28:19

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when something triggers us,

1:28:21

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how does this trigger show up and how do we deal with

1:28:25

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it?

1:28:26

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The good thing about when we're looking at amygdala hijack,

1:28:30

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it doesn't stay forever.

1:28:31

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It has a specific window of time,

1:28:34

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and then it goes away.

1:28:35

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But one thing that is really important,

1:28:38

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if we remain in this amygdala hijack,

1:28:42

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state.

1:28:42

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And if it keeps occurring and occurring and occurring,

1:28:45

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which means that we have given our control of our emotions to everyone

1:28:50

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else to manage,

1:28:51

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it eventually leads to PTSD and eventually leads to a

1:28:55

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lot of further damages that we do not want to deal with.

1:28:58

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When we have an amygdala hijack,

1:29:00

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it shows up in different ways.

1:29:02

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It shows up as stress,

1:29:05

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as being fearful,

1:29:06

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anxiety,

1:29:07

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aggression,

1:29:09

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anger.

1:29:10

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God knows I know which one is mine,

1:29:12

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which is a lot of anger.

1:29:13

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So it's really important to identify when my amygdala

1:29:17

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gets hijacked,

1:29:18

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what is in me that happens.

1:29:20

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A lot of physical changes happen.

1:29:23

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Our breathing becomes really shallow.

1:29:25

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So it keeps pumping blood into our hearts.

1:29:29

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So we're ready to attack.

1:29:30

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Our vision becomes really narrow that we're only focusing

1:29:34

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on that specific thing that is.

1:29:37

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threatening our existence.

1:29:39

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We do not see.

1:29:40

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We do not necessarily see what's happening around us.

1:29:43

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We're only focusing on that one thing.

1:29:45

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We might be sweating.

1:29:47

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We might be hyperventilating and so

1:29:51

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on. So next time you are identifying some of these symptoms

1:29:55

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in yourself,

1:29:56

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it's important to take to reflect.

1:30:00

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on them and see how does this show up for us it has happened

1:30:04

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to us it is going to happen to us because that's what our amygdala

1:30:08

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is responsible it needs to identify threats and help

1:30:12

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us to keep stay alive when amygdala

1:30:17

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hijack happens when it takes over our prefrontal cortex it

1:30:21

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takes 20 minutes to overcome an amygdala hijack

1:30:25

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Sometimes this is really important.

1:30:27

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Sometimes it's not.

1:30:28

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Sometimes it is important because,

1:30:30

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okay, I need 20 minutes.

1:30:31

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I need to exit from this situation.

1:30:33

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Sometimes we do not necessarily have the whole 20 minutes.

1:30:37

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When I was teaching this session to a group of professionals in

1:30:41

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Iraq, one of them said,

1:30:43

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he said,

1:30:44

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I know my relationship trigger.

1:30:46

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I know as soon as this person shows up,

1:30:48

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I am about to lose it.

1:30:49

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So I've come up with this coping mechanism.

1:30:52

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uh knowing that they're going to be negative coming my way as soon as they approach

1:30:56

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my desk i say

1:30:58

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how about we go to the kitchen and make a cup of tea together?

1:31:00

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Because I know my body needs this movement to stay regulated

1:31:04

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and not to have my emotions take advantage of

1:31:09

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me and take control over me.

1:31:10

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So it is important.

1:31:11

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That's why it's important to identify our triggers because it helps us prepare

1:31:16

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and try to calm down our situation and our nervous

1:31:20

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system that we do not get easily hijacked.

1:31:25

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As I mentioned,

1:31:26

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these triggers that we deal with,

1:31:28

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if we go to work on time and our boss says,

1:31:31

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

are you late?

1:31:32

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

Then the truth trigger gets activated or the person that comes our

1:31:36

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way or our identity gets triggered.

1:31:38

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And our amygdala thinks that this is an existential crisis

1:31:42

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and it needs to do something about it.

1:31:45

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We either have to fight this person for our own

1:31:49

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existence and stay for our own survival or...

1:31:53

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we have to fly from that situation.

1:31:57

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To overcome an amygdala hijack,

1:31:59

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as I mentioned,

1:31:59

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we need to wait for about 20 minutes.

1:32:01

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Some stuff that helps us before I put this here,

1:32:05

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I want to stop sharing my screen because I do know you guys all

1:32:09

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have different mechanisms of dealing with these

1:32:13

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hijacks.

1:32:13

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I want to learn,

1:32:14

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

and we all have the space to learn from each other,

1:32:18

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

what would be some of the ways that can help you or

1:32:22

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what have been some of the ways that has helped you to calm down.

1:32:26

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when an amygdala hijack has happened.

1:32:28

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Or,

1:32:29

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to put it yet,

1:32:30

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we didn't know,

1:32:31

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perhaps we didn't know it's called amygdala hijack,

1:32:34

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when you get angry,

1:32:35

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what are some of the things,

1:32:36

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angry, stressful,

1:32:38

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fearful,

1:32:39

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what are some of the ways that we've been able to bring ourselves back to our

1:32:44

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sanity and try to stay in control?

1:32:46

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

Asim,

1:32:50

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

please go ahead.

1:32:52

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

Yeah, so I think this I have learned from my

1:32:56

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therapist only.

1:32:57

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They used to take this from the killer hijacks a lot.

1:33:01

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So now what I do whenever I have this triggers,

1:33:04

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so I close my eyes for a second.

1:33:08

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I take a step back,

1:33:09

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close my eyes and try to focus on my breath.

1:33:11

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Like how it has changed,

1:33:13

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how it is changing.

1:33:14

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Like is it sharp?

1:33:16

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It is deep.

1:33:16

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How is it going?

1:33:17

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Then slowly I try to keep them like.

1:33:22

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Focus on my breath and get down slowly.

1:33:26

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And once I'm breathing normally,

1:33:28

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I drink a glass of water.

1:33:31

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And that's how I try to manage my triggers.

1:33:35

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

And this has helped me a lot to actually come out

1:33:39

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of my triggers.

1:33:39

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

Amazing.

1:33:41

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

Thank you so much for sharing.

1:33:44

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

Thank you.

1:33:45

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

Maria,

1:33:45

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please go ahead.

1:33:47

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

uh so for me i just think i think in a bigger picture

1:33:52

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point of view not the immediate actions that i need to take it's like

1:33:56

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like two years or three years down the line uh you know how will

1:34:00

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it actually affect me how is this particular situation going to pan out

1:34:04

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and you know why i am taking so much amount of pressure because of the situation at

1:34:09

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

this current moment because the moment i look back into my previous issues

1:34:13

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or anything that used to give me a lot of anxiety and anything

1:34:18

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

When I look back right now,

1:34:19

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I don't care about all those things.

1:34:21

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

These are very small things which is happening.

1:34:23

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And over the time,

1:34:24

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big things end up happening to us.

1:34:26

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So it's like I just think about a bigger picture that why I am giving so much

1:34:30

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power of the situation right now to this particular thing and putting

1:34:35

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myself down in a bad place.

1:34:37

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

Like, you know, when I just end up thinking I am getting depressed or something,

1:34:40

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I just need to pull myself.

1:34:43

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Like I become this third person kind of a...

1:34:46

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this entire situation where i need to pull myself out thinking you know

1:34:50

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

i can't be down i can't be depressed i can't do this because i

1:34:54

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will not be able to function so i just start thinking in a third person kind

1:34:58

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

of a view

1:35:00

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point to get myself out of that place and i think it really helps

1:35:04

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

me in the long run not at that point of time essentially

1:35:08

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

but in the longer and when i keep on thinking and putting myself into that

1:35:12

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place i think i i end up putting myself out

1:35:16

S… Speaker 5 (videoplayback)

of the situation amazing thank you so much maria that that's

1:35:20

S… Speaker 5 (videoplayback)

really beautiful thank you for sharing uh please go ahead yeah

1:35:25

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

hi

1:35:32

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

shan so for me it is like

1:35:36

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

most of the time I will get you know so what I

1:35:40

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

feel is I most of the time I before not now I

1:35:45

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used to have this impulsive reaction kind of a thing I will just tell whatever

1:35:49

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

I'm thinking and later I used to face the consequences and stuff so

1:35:53

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

now what I learned over time is that whenever I'm getting angry or these

1:35:57

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kind of anger issues or this anxiety issues so I just stop

1:36:02

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responding to that person and they just keep quiet for like

1:36:06

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

half an hour to one one hour or whatever it is so that i will just calm down

1:36:10

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

myself and don't uh i don't want to you know uh going

1:36:14

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

further i don't want to speak and it will be back and forth the things will go

1:36:19

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

on back and forth and it doesn't help anywhere to me that is what i got to

1:36:23

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

learn with my personal experience so most of the time it is helping me now

1:36:27

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

and whenever i will feel angry now i'll just keep quiet and i will just give

1:36:31

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

that calm down to my brain and

1:36:33

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

Once I'm settled down,

1:36:34

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

then I will think about it,

1:36:36

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

if I need to talk about it or not.

1:36:38

S… Speaker 3 (videoplayback)

And that's how I'm dealing with it right now.

1:36:41

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

Yeah,

1:36:42

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

beautiful.

1:36:43

S… Speaker 5 (videoplayback)

Thank you so much for sharing.

1:36:44

S… Speaker 5 (videoplayback)

Yesterday, this thing came up,

1:36:46

S… Speaker 5 (videoplayback)

like when you're at work,

1:36:48

S… Speaker 5 (videoplayback)

something happens.

1:36:49

S… Speaker 5 (videoplayback)

You can definitely write the email while you're angry,

1:36:52

S… Speaker 5 (videoplayback)

just to let some of that negative energy leave you.

1:36:54

S… Speaker 5 (videoplayback)

But don't send it while you're still angry.

1:36:57

S… Speaker 5 (videoplayback)

Give it room to breathe and then go back to it later.

1:37:00

S… Speaker 2 (videoplayback)

Javaria,

1:37:01

S… Speaker 5 (videoplayback)

please go ahead.

1:37:02

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

Yeah, so I had this habit of really engaging in when I used

1:37:06

S… Speaker 1 (videoplayback)

to be triggered.

1:37:07

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

Like if somebody has triggered me,

1:37:08

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

I used to fight back.

1:37:09

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

I used to be like,

1:37:10

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

why, what,

1:37:11

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

and ask questions.

1:37:12

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

And that used to trigger me even more.

1:37:14

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

It didn't help me.

1:37:16

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

So I've come to realize that it's pointless to do that.

1:37:19

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

And I do think that you mentioned,

1:37:22

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

I journal sometimes.

1:37:23

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

Sometimes I just leave a long message and don't send the person the message.

1:37:27

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

And apart from that,

1:37:28

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

I try to immediately get back to the routine that I...

1:37:32

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

that i'm in suppose if i have not had my lunch instead of focusing on having an

1:37:36

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

argument with the person or just being triggered again and again i will focus

1:37:40

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

on getting my lunch done so that my like i think it

1:37:44

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

helps in uh like if you're hungry you'll become hungry so

1:37:48

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

that kind of adds up so

1:37:50

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

this way like if then I realize that I've maybe I've not had water like

1:37:54

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

I'm thirsty then I will drink water all these things just to

1:37:59

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

like basically to get back into the routine not focus on the uh on

1:38:03

S… Speaker 4 (videoplayback)

the trigger so that has helped me I love it so

1:38:07

S… Speaker 5 (videoplayback)

just before I go to Sana I want to say something

1:38:10

S… Speaker 5 (videoplayback)

In no way do I tell you to stay silent and not defend yourself

1:38:15

S… Speaker 5 (videoplayback)

when you are violated.

1:38:16

S… Speaker 5 (videoplayback)

What we need to do is not to do it while we're angry,

1:38:20

S… Speaker 5 (videoplayback)

not to let our amygdala drive the conversation,

1:38:24

S… Speaker 5 (videoplayback)

but rather when we come back to our prefrontal cortex,

1:38:27

S… Speaker 5 (videoplayback)

that is when we want to go back and defend ourselves.

1:38:30

S… Speaker 5 (videoplayback)

That is when we want to go back and make a rational argument.

Resume

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