SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21

0:00

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

The truth behind,

0:01

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how are you?

0:01

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It's incredibly common for autistic people to utterly despise this

0:05

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

question.

0:06

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And at the same time,

0:07

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

it's almost unavoidable in every social situation.

0:09

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So in this video,

0:11

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

we'll look at the truth behind the question,

0:13

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how are you?

0:13

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

We'll explore why it can be challenging and why so many autistic people dislike it

0:18

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

so much.

0:18

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I'll share my personal strategies of how to answer this question in various situations.

0:23

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

as well as unpacking a bit of the background as to what it actually means,

0:26

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how it's actually used,

0:28

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

and what function it serves.

0:29

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And as we'll see later,

0:31

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

there's actually a much,

0:32

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

much, much bigger issue here that the simple,

0:35

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

innocent question of how are you is actually hiding.

0:42

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Hi everyone,

0:43

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Paul Mikaleff here from Autism from the Inside.

0:45

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I make weekly videos sharing the human side of autism,

0:48

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

so make sure you hit subscribe to get the latest content.

0:50

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So I don't know about you,

0:51

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

but I have spent a lot of time thinking about this question,

0:55

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

trying to figure out what it means in different situations and

1:00

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

come up with workable answers that I feel comfortable

1:04

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

giving in different situations.

1:06

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So I can imagine that a lot of people in society probably haven't given

1:10

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

this question two minutes worth of thought because it's easy.

1:13

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

How are you?

1:14

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Fine.

1:14

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Easy.

1:15

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Done.

1:15

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

No further question necessary.

1:17

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

But for someone like me,

1:19

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

and it turns out a significant proportion of the autistic population,

1:22

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

this seemingly innocent question can actually be a big stumbling block.

1:26

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It seems at first glance to be a fairly simple question,

1:29

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

but if we look even just a little bit closer,

1:32

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

it becomes incredibly nuanced,

1:34

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

which makes it quite difficult to figure out how to respond to.

1:37

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So

1:42

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

one of the reasons it can be difficult is that it's an incredibly vague question.

1:46

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

How are you?

1:48

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

What do you mean how?

1:50

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

What are you actually asking?

1:52

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

There is no information in the question,

1:56

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

in the question itself,

1:58

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

in the words of the question that are telling me what type

2:02

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

of answer or what type of information you're actually looking for

2:06

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

with that question.

2:08

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Which means that when someone says,

2:10

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how are you,

2:11

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

you have to look.

2:13

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

everywhere else in the situation,

2:15

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

in the relationship,

2:16

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

in your broader cultural knowledge to try and figure out

2:21

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

indirectly what does that question actually mean because it

2:25

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

doesn't say it within the question itself.

2:27

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Compare this to very direct questions like what's your name,

2:31

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

would you like a cup of tea,

2:33

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

things like that.

2:34

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

A second common reason that I've heard in the community why people hate this question

2:38

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

is because it feels like you're obliged to

2:43

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

lie.

2:43

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It feels like no matter how you actually are,

2:47

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

in a very literal sense of that question,

2:49

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how are you?

2:50

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Well, I've actually got an answer to that,

2:52

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

but I'm supposed to...

2:55

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

tell you that I'm fine regardless of what the actual answer

2:59

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

is.

3:00

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And for a lot of us who take things quite literally,

3:03

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

it feels like that's a deception.

3:06

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It feels like lying and it doesn't feel comfortable to do

3:10

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

that. And then there's the other side of the coin,

3:12

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

those of us in the community who are very adept at masking and camouflaging,

3:16

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

when it's just so easy to say,

3:19

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I'm fine,

3:19

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I'm doing okay,

3:21

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I'm not bad,

3:22

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how are you?

3:23

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

and it very easily deflects the question so that no one

3:27

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

can actually see anything inside either.

3:29

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And then there's another layer to the question in terms of what does it

3:33

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

actually mean?

3:34

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Is it even a question?

3:36

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And as we'll see later,

3:37

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

it's not obvious that how are you is even a question at

3:42

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

all.

3:42

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So figuring out what those words actually

3:46

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

mean can be quite challenging.

3:53

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So the truth behind how are you,

3:55

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

and I'm gonna share my little model of understanding this question

3:59

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

today, is that those words can actually be used in three quite

4:04

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

distinct different ways.

4:05

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So number one,

4:07

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how are you might be a greeting.

4:08

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Simple greeting,

4:10

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

just like hello or konnichiwa or some other language,

4:14

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

greeting in any other language in English,

4:16

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

sometimes how are you is a greeting.

4:19

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Number two is that how you might be part of a ritual,

4:23

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

part of a socially agreed back and forth.

4:26

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I say this,

4:27

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

you say this,

4:28

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I say this,

4:29

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

and that's what we do.

4:31

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

That's the little greeting ritual that we do at the start of every meeting

4:35

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

or the start of every phone call.

4:36

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So number two is that how you might be a little ritual.

4:41

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And number three,

4:42

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

perhaps the most difficult is

4:44

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how are you might be a question.

4:46

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It might legitimately be a question requiring some degree of

4:50

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

answer and that answer can either be appropriate or inappropriate.

4:54

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So even if we know it's a question,

4:57

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

we still need to figure out

5:00

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

what the question is actually asking.

5:01

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Do I give the two second answer,

5:05

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

the 20 second answer,

5:06

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

the two minute answer,

5:07

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

the two hour answer?

5:09

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Do you actually want to hear me tell you how I am for

5:13

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

the next two hours?

5:14

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Is that the purpose of this how are you question?

5:16

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

You're actually initiating an invitation for us both to open

5:20

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

up and share some of our inner lives with each other.

5:23

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So the first step in figuring out what how are you means and

5:27

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how to respond is to categorize it into,

5:31

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

is it either a greeting,

5:32

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

a ritual,

5:33

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

or a legitimate question?

5:35

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Now,

5:35

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

a quick side note,

5:36

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

because I know a lot of you might be thinking this,

5:39

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

you might be thinking,

5:40

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how are you is a question by definition.

5:44

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It's got the word how in it.

5:45

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It's got a question mark.

5:47

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It literally means how are you going?

5:50

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

How are you?

5:50

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

That's the only meaning that it can possibly have because

5:54

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

that's literal meaning.

5:55

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

If that's you,

5:56

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

you're definitely not alone.

5:57

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

A lot of us think that from time to time.

5:59

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Like, doesn't it just have one literal meaning?

6:02

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Why do people keep using it in incorrect ways?

6:05

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Unfortunately,

6:06

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

that is not how language works.

6:08

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

In a very real sense,

6:10

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

there's no such thing as an unchangeable,

6:12

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

uninterpretable,

6:13

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

literal meaning,

6:15

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

but rather a cultural or linguistically agreed understanding about

6:19

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

what a particular word or phrase means.

6:21

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Let me give you an example.

6:23

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So in my culture,

6:24

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

it's common to say,

6:25

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

would you like to grab a coffee?

6:27

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And what that means is,

6:28

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

should we find a time to meet at a cafe for maybe an hour

6:33

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

and buy a drink and have a chat?

6:35

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So if I ask a friend,

6:36

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

would you like to go get coffee?

6:38

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And then we meet up and then they order a hot chocolate.

6:41

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

There's no lie.

6:42

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

There's no deception.

6:43

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

There's no incorrect use of language.

6:45

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

We both understood that getting a coffee means going

6:50

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

to a cafe and ordering a drink.

6:51

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And it really doesn't matter what kind of drink that is.

6:53

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

In fact,

6:54

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

if they didn't get a drink at all and they got a brownie or something and

6:58

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

just had water,

6:59

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

that would also be fine.

7:00

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And if you think about it,

7:01

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

cafe just means coffee.

7:03

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

But we understand if I say go to a coffee or go grab a coffee,

7:07

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

what I mean is go to that type of establishment which we both understand

7:11

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

and engage in the kind of things that you do at such an establishment.

7:14

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

You can even go for coffee and have a tea,

7:16

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

as crazy as that sounds.

7:17

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It's all fine.

7:18

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Similarly,

7:19

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

and this might be a bit of an Australian English thing,

7:21

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

but we often say grab a coffee.

7:25

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Why grab?

7:26

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Are you actually grabbing it?

7:28

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Are you literally doing that particular motion?

7:31

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Well,

7:32

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

not really,

7:33

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

but that's just the word that people commonly use to mean

7:37

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

that thing.

7:38

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Similarly,

7:38

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I would say I catch a train,

7:40

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

but I don't catch a train in the same way as I catch a baseball.

7:44

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It's not a misuse of language.

7:46

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It's an evolving common understanding of what language means.

7:50

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So when I say

7:52

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

G'day.

7:52

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Haha,

7:53

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

probably some of you giggled at that.

7:55

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I am not saying have a good day.

7:58

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I hope you have a good day.

8:01

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

In the very literal sense,

8:03

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

it's just a greeting.

8:04

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I can say that,

8:05

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

or I could say hi,

8:06

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

or I could say any number of common greetings.

8:09

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And culturally,

8:11

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

it is quite common that how are you is used

8:15

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

as a greeting in that very similar sense.

8:17

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So imagine I'm on my bike riding along the street and I see a friend

8:21

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

and I wave and they didn't expect me and they say,

8:24

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

oh, hey, Paul,

8:25

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how are you going?

8:26

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

they are not expecting a response from me in that sense in any

8:30

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

way, shape or form,

8:31

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

because by the time I even hear the words,

8:34

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I'm gonna be out of earshot.

8:35

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So in that sense,

8:37

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

sometimes in some situations,

8:39

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how are you is actually a greeting and does not require

8:44

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

any response at all.

8:45

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So my strategy in that sense sometimes

8:49

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

is to ignore it altogether and just say hello.

8:52

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Someone says,

8:53

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how are you?

8:54

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And I say, oh,

8:54

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

hey.

8:56

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

That's it.

8:57

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I don't even need to answer the question.

8:58

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And you might be surprised how often that actually works.

9:02

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

You don't even need to say fine.

9:03

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

You don't even need to acknowledge the how are you component at

9:08

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

all because it was just a greeting.

9:10

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And therefore I reciprocated the greeting by a hey and

9:15

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

End of story.

9:16

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Then we have the next level where the how are you is actually part

9:21

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

of a back and forth ritual.

9:22

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And maybe ritual is not exactly the right word,

9:24

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

but I like using it because it kind of sounds fun.

9:27

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It kind of sounds like I'm doing something culturally important.

9:30

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It sounds better than because it's small talk and you have to.

9:34

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I'm engaging in a social ritual.

9:36

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

How are you?

9:36

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I'm fine, thanks.

9:37

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

How are you?

9:38

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I'm also good.

9:38

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

How is your,

9:39

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

you know, whatever.

9:40

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So very often,

9:42

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

especially on phone calls,

9:43

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

especially in the first like,

9:45

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

two or three seconds of meeting someone,

9:47

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

there will be a back and forth,

9:49

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how you type themed conversation,

9:53

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

which is not really small talk.

9:56

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

That small talk is something a bit different to that.

9:58

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

But the first little back and forth

10:00

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

forth very often the exact words will always be

10:04

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

the same every time in a way that the words themselves

10:08

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

do not contain any significant meaning just like

10:12

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

hi could be replaced with hello could be replaced with any other

10:16

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

greeting the back and forth of the ritual of how

10:20

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

are you I'm fine and you etc etc

10:24

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

feels like just a social thing that you do and it's a

10:28

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

little contained thing by itself.

10:30

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So I've started noticing this in my life recently and I've found it

10:35

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

especially comes up with long -term relationships with people

10:39

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

who I have formed a habit with and every time we pick up

10:43

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

the phone we say the same thing or every time I knock on the door and you answer it

10:47

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

we say the same thing and I find it a little bit

10:51

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

amusing now that I'm seeing it through the social ritual type lens

10:55

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

that it is so

10:58

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

precisely consistent every time and I never even thought about it until I

11:03

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

started thinking about this video and now I am seeing it absolutely everywhere

11:07

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

in life.

11:08

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So the third way that how are you is used is definitely by

11:12

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

far the most complicated because even if you know that

11:16

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how are you is a question with a question mark waiting for

11:20

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

a response of some kind

11:23

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

trying to figure out what an appropriate response would be,

11:26

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

what does the listener actually want to know,

11:29

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

what are they actually asking,

11:30

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

what are they expecting in this situation,

11:32

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

is still a big unknown in that situation.

11:35

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So the question now is how to tell how much

11:40

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

information is being expected from you in this question

11:44

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

of how are you.

11:44

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So there are two main ways to try and get some clues as to the

11:49

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

depth of the expected answer.

11:51

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So the first one is the relationship you have with the person and the second one is

11:55

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

the situation and or the time and availability of

11:59

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

attention that you have in that particular situation.

12:02

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So in the example I gave earlier,

12:04

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I'm riding my bike and I see a friend on the side of the road.

12:08

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

There is absolutely no chance to have

12:12

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

more than one or two words in correspondence there because we'll

12:16

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

be out of earshot very,

12:17

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

very quickly.

12:18

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So even though it was a friend and we had the relationship where maybe we would

12:22

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

actually ask each other to answer that question in more detail,

12:25

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

in that particular situation,

12:27

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

it wasn't appropriate to try and think of a deeper answer

12:31

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

to that question.

12:32

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Or another example,

12:33

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

let's say I'm at the supermarket and the cashier is asking me,

12:37

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how's your day been?

12:38

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Well,

12:40

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

that's really just small talk.

12:42

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

They're not saying just hello.

12:45

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It's more than a hello.

12:47

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

They're actually inviting some kind of answer,

12:50

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

but they're probably inviting the kind of answer that's

12:54

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

maybe five seconds long.

12:56

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

They're not asking you to sit down and tell you about your

13:00

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

entire work.

13:02

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

last couple of years of life and everything

13:06

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

that you've done and your depression and your excited

13:11

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

new holiday that you went on and the new relationship that

13:15

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

you're in.

13:16

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And no,

13:16

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

they're a cashier.

13:17

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

They are just making conversation and they probably want an answer

13:21

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

that is somewhere between two to 20 seconds max.

13:25

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

In fact,

13:26

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

that reminds me of a comedy sketch I saw once where the guy was just

13:31

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

being polite and saying,

13:32

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how are you to the usher who was taking him up the elevator.

13:35

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And the asshole of an usher

13:39

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

actually answered the question and started telling him about his life.

13:43

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And he's like,

13:44

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

dude, shut up.

13:45

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I was just being polite.

13:46

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I didn't actually want an answer.

13:47

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And so this can trip us up a lot

13:51

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

of the time, giving too much information when the person was

13:56

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

really only expecting that I'm doing pretty well.

13:59

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how are you doing,

13:59

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

can be a problem.

14:01

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And then similarly,

14:02

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

if someone is actually trying to build a relationship with

14:06

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

you and all you ever say is,

14:08

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I'm okay,

14:09

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

then that's a barrier to the relationship because you're not actually

14:13

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

sharing what the other person is inviting you to share.

14:16

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

In a way,

14:17

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

it's a bit easier with strangers when there's really not that relationship

14:21

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

there to begin with at all.

14:23

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So you can be fairly sure that

14:25

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

The how are you question is not intended to be a deep answer.

14:28

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It can be a bit more challenging though when you do have

14:32

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

a lifelong relationship with a person.

14:34

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So someone was telling me an example the other day where they used to get home

14:38

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

from school and their mother would say,

14:40

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how are you?

14:41

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

How was school?

14:44

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It was more of a greeting in that situation because the mother was actually busy

14:48

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

doing stuff and was not saying,

14:50

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

hey, let's sit down and talk about your day.

14:52

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It was more,

14:53

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

hey, you're home,

14:54

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how was your day?

14:55

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And looking for a,

14:57

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

it was okay or it wasn't okay.

15:00

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And I guess in that situation,

15:01

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

it is a little bit of an invitation.

15:03

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

If there is something big on your mind that you would like to talk about,

15:07

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I mean, imagine that child walked through the door and was just completely

15:11

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

at their wits end,

15:12

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

maybe in tears,

15:13

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

maybe obviously frustrated.

15:15

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It's likely that the mother might have stopped what they're doing and

15:19

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

said, oh, okay,

15:20

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

this needs more attention.

15:22

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

But most of the time in that situation,

15:25

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

the answer is it was okay.

15:28

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And there isn't really much more to it than that.

15:30

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And this is something that I didn't realize until much,

15:34

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

much, much later in life is that it's not only shock

15:39

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

horror.

15:39

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It's not only about me meeting the expectations of the other person.

15:43

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I have the opportunity.

15:47

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

to change the dynamic of the conversation.

15:50

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

If someone says,

15:51

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how are you?

15:51

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And they're expecting a 10 second answer.

15:54

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

If I have the adequate relationship with that person,

15:57

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I can.

15:59

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

invite the situation where we both sit down and

16:03

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

they get the 10 minute version because actually I've had a really tough day and

16:08

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

actually I would really like to talk to you about it right now.

16:11

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And so maybe we actually sit down and they get the full answer.

16:14

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So even when someone is only asking me for

16:19

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

a short answer,

16:20

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I can potentially invite them.

16:22

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

would you like to hear a deeper answer?

16:24

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And if they say yes,

16:25

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

then we have that additional opportunity for connection.

16:28

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Similarly,

16:29

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

the opposite is also true.

16:32

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Let's say someone is asking me,

16:35

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

really, they really wanna know how my day is,

16:38

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

and I just don't wanna give them that answer for whatever reason.

16:41

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Maybe I'm too tired,

16:42

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

maybe that's not very helpful,

16:43

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

maybe I don't appreciate the relationship all that much or this particular dynamic.

16:48

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I have the power to say,

16:51

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

it was okay,

16:52

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I guess, I don't really wanna talk about it.

16:54

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And that way they wanted a much bigger answer,

16:58

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

but I didn't give it to them.

16:59

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And that's also fine because I get to play a role in the conversation.

17:03

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It's not just about meeting the needs and expectations of the other person.

17:07

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And this is leading me to the final point,

17:11

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

which is the big,

17:12

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

big, big issue that is actually a lot of the time underlying

17:17

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

this very,

17:18

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

very simple how are you question.

17:19

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And that issue is that

17:22

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Sometimes we want or need more

17:27

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

opportunity to share how we are with other people.

17:30

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And very often in society,

17:32

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

we either don't have the relationship or don't have the time or don't

17:36

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

have the opportunity to actually share a genuine,

17:41

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

meaningful answer to the how are you question,

17:45

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

which can be frustrating because

17:47

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I am actually not doing very well at the moment.

17:50

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I would actually love to tell someone how I'm doing.

17:55

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

There are dozens of people asking me,

17:58

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how are you?

17:59

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And socially,

18:00

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I'm not allowed to actually tell them.

18:03

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

That can be an incredibly frustrating experience.

18:06

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

We had a conversation at our in -person autistic meetup the other day

18:10

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

concerning are you okay day?

18:13

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And there were quite a number of us in the room who

18:17

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

just would not feel safe.

18:20

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

saying anything other than,

18:22

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

yeah, I'm fine.

18:23

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

How are you?

18:24

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

For that exact reason that the other person

18:28

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

needs to be able to handle the answer.

18:32

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And very often the answer is too deep or

18:37

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

too intimidating or too traumatic or too inappropriate

18:41

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

for the setting in another way.

18:44

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So it can actually make it harder sometimes for

18:48

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

people to say,

18:49

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how are you?

18:50

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Are you okay?

18:51

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And know that you're actually not allowed,

18:54

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

it's not appropriate to give an honest,

18:57

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

deep,

18:58

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

meaningful answer to that question.

19:00

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I remember a specific time in my life where I was definitely not doing very

19:04

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

well at all,

19:05

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

and I would go to some social things because it was

19:09

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

actually good to get me out of the house.

19:11

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

However,

19:11

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

people would say,

19:13

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

how are you?

19:14

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And I just couldn't bring myself to say

19:18

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I'm doing well.

19:19

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Well, I could say it if they didn't actually mean it as a question,

19:22

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

but if they meant it as a question,

19:24

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

these are...

19:26

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

friends, acquaintances,

19:27

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

people who care about me a little bit and they are genuinely

19:32

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

looking for a two to five second answer of how are you,

19:35

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I couldn't bring myself to say I'm doing okay.

19:38

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

And so I also couldn't bring myself to say I'm doing

19:42

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

terribly because I don't wanna talk about it.

19:43

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

What I do not want is for them to say,

19:46

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

oh, would you like to tell me about it?

19:48

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Because we don't have the relationship,

19:49

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

we don't have the time,

19:50

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

they can't actually hold space for me.

19:53

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Anyway, so that would be just rubbing my nose in it even more if

19:58

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

they were to try and

20:00

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

ask me more about it because there was too much.

20:02

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So instead my strategy was to say and I don't

20:06

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

know if there's a good strategy but I would say pass next question.

20:10

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Hey Paul how are you?

20:12

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Pass next question.

20:13

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Not a perfect strategy but what I was trying

20:17

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

to do is

20:20

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

acknowledge that I'm not actually doing okay,

20:23

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

but also that this is not the appropriate place to

20:27

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

go into it in any more depth either.

20:29

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So that's a difficult line to manage a lot of the time.

20:37

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So when considering an adequate answer to the how are you question,

20:41

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

there are two main ways that it could be inappropriate.

20:45

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

So the first one is that the person is just not interested.

20:49

S… Speaker 2 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

I call this the trains answer.

20:52

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

It's like, how are you?

20:54

S… Speaker 1 (SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21)

Great.

SW_DLT_DL_a4c59af4d04c4338dd21

Resumen

Pregúntele a AI acerca de esta transcripción