Timeline poiop

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S… Speaker 1 (Timeline poiop)

I was born in 1972.

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When my dad was in high school,

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he was an All -American football player.

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He got a full scholarship to SMU.

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He got homesick,

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hurt his knee,

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so he ended up coming home,

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getting married,

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and started working for the Texas Highway Department.

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S… Speaker 2 (Timeline poiop)

He

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got hit by a semi -truck,

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but he's such a big guy that he didn't break any bones in his body,

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but he has pretty severe head damage and was in a coma for about eight weeks.

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When he came to from the coma,

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he just had these really crazy fits of rage,

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like it took about 12 people to hold him down,

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leather strapped him down,

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and I don't know how much longer he's in the hospital,

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but it never went away.

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My mom said the guy that went in the hospital was different than the guy that

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I brought home.

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S… Speaker 2 (Timeline poiop)

If a

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commercial was too long,

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in the middle of a TV show I was watching,

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he would throw a couch in over end.

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He never laid a finger on my mom,

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but he would break things that were very important to her.

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And so she eventually

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left.

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S… Speaker 2 (Timeline poiop)

Hey, she's

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gone.

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Gone where?

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S… Speaker 3 (Timeline poiop)

She ran off.

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S… Speaker 3 (Timeline poiop)

She ain't coming back.

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S… Speaker 2 (Timeline poiop)

When

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will she be back?

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S… Speaker 3 (Timeline poiop)

I told you she run off.

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She don't want me no more,

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S… Speaker 3 (Timeline poiop)

and she don't want you neither.

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S… Speaker 1 (Timeline poiop)

Back then,

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whoever left,

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they were kind of to blame.

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Family around them kind of were like,

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you know, we think the boys should stay in the hometown with the rest of the family.

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They still saw my dad as a stable option.

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I tend to believe she kind of got bullied into leaving us.

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At this point,

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my dad had never been abusive towards me,

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and so no one really had reason to think that was going to happen.

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But the second that she moved away and something changed,

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and it was a scary childhood to say the least.

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S… Speaker 2 (Timeline poiop)

Most

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of my life was living in fear that when it's so sporadic,

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you don't know what's going to set him off.

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He

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becomes scared of everything.

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If he had a bad day,

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he'd take it out on me.

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If someone would cut him off in traffic,

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he would take a swing at me.

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If my dad was embarrassed in public by someone,

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we'd get home, he'd take it out on me.

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Anything would set him off,

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and I was just his punching bag is what it felt like.

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I made the honor roll or something like that.

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They sent home a piece of paper that I was so scared to have him sign anything

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that I forged the honor roll thing to say,

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yeah, he saw it.

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Well, the teachers,

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they told my dad,

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said, can you believe he'd do that?

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It's a good thing,

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but he just signed it anyway.

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We just wanted you to know,

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well, he was embarrassed that I would sign it and beat me to a pulp.

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If he would spank me for doing something wrong,

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the spankings became...

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incredibly violent.

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I remember one night where I'd be my back of my neck to the back of my knees were like a dark purple

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all the way down over inch of my body and he

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saw what he did to me and it's the first time I ever saw him cry.

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He ran out of the room.

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S… Speaker 2 (Timeline poiop)

It

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was almost something he couldn't control.

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Part of me knew there would be about 30 minutes to an hour window.

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Then he would call me in there and like set me on his lap and tell me how sorry

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he was. He always did it.

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I knew that if I could get through the beating that I would see some

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sort of affection from my dad.

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And that was the only time I'd ever see it.

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I know of specific times to where I'd literally like did things

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to get in trouble because I knew the point would come to where,

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you know, he would love on me and say,

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I'm so sorry,

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which was like the greatest thing ever.

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I remember following my brother to a party and some guy walks through and says,

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hey, he had a bottle of Scope mouthwash and said,

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I'll pay somebody 20 bucks so they can drink the whole bottle.

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Of course, I'm seventh grade.

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I'm like, it's mouthwash.

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It can't kill you.

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They wouldn't let you put it in your mouth.

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So it might make you sick,

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but I'll take 20 bucks.

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So I did it.

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So I drank the whole bottle of Scope and passed out immediately.

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Found out it was Everclear and peppermint schnapps.

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Should have killed me.

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And so me and my two or three other buddies tried to walk home.

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As we're walking,

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one of the guy's dads happens to drive through town and drives right by us.

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Well, he lets me sleep it off at his house.

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The next morning,

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he's like, are you going to tell your dad or do I need to?

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We got to the house and I thought this is going to be

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the worst of them all.

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My dad said,

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do whatever.

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I don't care anymore.

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And when he said that,

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he meant it.

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I could leave the house for four days and he would never look for me.

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I could do whatever I wanted to.

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At first,

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it's kind of like, hey, it's kind of cool,

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I'm safe.

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But then you're incredibly alone.

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And it was devastating.

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S… Speaker 2 (Timeline poiop)

Shannon,

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S… Speaker 1 (Timeline poiop)

please stay.

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S… Speaker 2 (Timeline poiop)

Why?

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Afraid of the dark?

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Afraid of monsters?

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S… Speaker 2 (Timeline poiop)

I just don't like being alone.

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S… Speaker 2 (Timeline poiop)

The

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things that I went through definitely were a springboard into the

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S… Speaker 1 (Timeline poiop)

beginning of my relationship with Christ.

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I was so drawn to the gospel because of my situation.

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To hear someone say,

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he'll never leave you.

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He adores you.

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You're telling me that there's someone that approves of me the way that I am and that did all this stuff

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for me, like had me in mind.

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That's unheard of.

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There were multiple times where I'd come forward,

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whether it's vacation Bible school or camp.

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I mean, I'd get saved every Sunday if they let me just because I was just desperate for

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it.

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Even though I was drawn to it,

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my response to it was,

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I've got to do all this stuff to please God.

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He's going to walk out on me.

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He's going to be disappointed with me.

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Sometimes you start thinking,

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wait, God's not much different than my dad.

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It's like, oh wait,

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no, he is,

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but my response is the same.

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It becomes very works -based,

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that if I'm good enough,

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the good outweighs the bad,

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and God's okay with me.

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My whole career up until probably five,

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six years ago was I'm doing all of this stuff because surely now God's

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okay with me.

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Surely this will count.

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I'd rather stand in front of 10 ,000 people

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than one -on -one because one,

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they can't talk back.

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And I can stand there and tell them all the things,

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not that's wrong with them,

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but how much God adores them,

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but struggle with applying it to myself.

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It's really easy for me to talk about how much God loves you to

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avoid the issues that I deal with daily.

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And it's really easy to feel good about yourself while you're doing it.

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S… Speaker 2 (Timeline poiop)

A

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dear friend of mine,

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he came into my life and was like,

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hey man, I don't know if you realize this,

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but there's nothing you can do to make Christ love you any more than he already does right now.

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You've worked so hard at whatever you're trying to run from or gain,

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whatever it is.

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What if he adores you now?

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What if our true identity is,

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I'm a child of the risen King who will wrestle with the flesh.

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I will win some and lose some,

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but it can't change how Christ sees me because the cross was actually enough.

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What if it has nothing to do with what I do?

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What if my identity is not wrapped up in the things that I do,

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but what the cross has already done?

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It's just a crazy concept.

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But I will tell you that all of a sudden,

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what we've called the good news for our whole life actually sounds like

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good news now.

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Because what happens is the mystery of sin begins to shrink.

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Because I think we spend too much time trying to please God instead of trust Him.

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When we truly trust that He's not going anywhere,

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especially for me,

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and that He still adores me on the worst day.

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the worst days start to get further and further apart.

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I'm

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a dad of five kids now,

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and what I didn't expect is how many fathers I meet now that may have daddy issues

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from the past,

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but now they're kind of following suit in some ways

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and don't know how to kind of break the cycle.

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The way I deal with

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S… Speaker 1 (Timeline poiop)

my kids, sometimes it reminds me of the way my dad would.

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I've never beat my kids,

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nothing like that.

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But the short fuse and little things getting to me and agitated,

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the hardest part for me is

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to stop and say I was wrong and apologize.

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It's

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S… Speaker 1 (Timeline poiop)

harder to be the gospel in our home more than any other place in the world because

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they see the good,

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the bad, the ugly,

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everything.

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S… Speaker 2 (Timeline poiop)

For

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me, it's just somehow swallowing my pride and realizing I was never meant to

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do this on my own.

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I've kind of learned what it means to hide the word in my heart and set my mind on things above.

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find myself hiding in the Word.

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I rely on community so much because isolation is a struggle for

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me. And just being able to confess this stuff to dear friends of mine,

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to other godly men,

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let there be some type of healing to take place.

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If I ever stop voicing the things I'm struggling with,

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I'm in trouble because I've been there.

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S… Speaker 2 (Timeline poiop)

I

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go to this men's small group.

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Somebody asked about our relationships with our dads,

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and I was like,

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I totally got this.

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I'm knocking this out of the park.

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No one can outdo me.

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And then this other guy's over here going,

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man, my dad is my best friend in the whole world.

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You know,

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good for you.

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But for him, he's lived his life trying to meet that standard of an amazing dad.

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So either way,

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we're both in counseling trying to figure out who we are under the shadow of our father,

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great or not so great.

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And it all comes down to understanding who we are.

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as individuals in Christ and not just trying to live up to a lot of times self

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-imposed standard.

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There's

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always a moment where you got to figure out who am I?

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What separates me from my dad?

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What do I embrace my dad gave me?

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And so there's always a journey.

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There's always room for growth.

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We'll get it wrong a lot of times.

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We'll get it right.

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But I think the most beautiful thing is we can't screw this up.

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Like I can screw things up and I do it well and all the time,

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but I can't screw this up.

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And man,

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to actually live like that is incredibly liberating.

Timeline poiop

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