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On the 20th of July,

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1969,

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as the commander of Apollo 11,

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Neil Armstrong climbed down the ladder of his lunar module and

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became the first man to step onto the moon.

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As he did so,

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he uttered the immortal line,

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that's one small step for man,

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one giant leap for mankind.

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But the story goes that as Armstrong was getting ready to leave

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and step back onto the ladder,

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he made the enigmatic remark,

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good luck,

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Mr.

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Gorski.

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NASA Mission Control assumed he was referencing a rival Soviet cosmonaut,

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but as hard as they looked,

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they couldn't find the name anywhere.

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Besieged by questions on his return,

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Armstrong refused to reveal the identity of Mr Gorski.

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Decades passed,

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and still the question remained unresolved.

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But then,

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in 2005,

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a full 36 years later,

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Mr Gorski passed away,

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and so Neil Armstrong finally felt he was free to tell the whole story.

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As a boy in the 1930s,

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he'd grown up in a small Midwest town.

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He told of how one day he was playing baseball with his friend and

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had hit the ball into his neighbour's garden.

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The neighbours were called Mr and Mrs Gorski.

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As he was picking up the ball outside their bedroom window,

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the young Neil Armstrong heard Mrs Gorski yell at Mr Gorski,

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Sex?

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You want sex?

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You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon.

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Thus, many years later,

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no doubt with a broad grin inside his space helmet,

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Neil Armstrong sent those special wishes to a man in Ohio

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from the surface of the moon.

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Good luck,

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Mr.

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Gorski.

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In this session,

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we're going to be looking at how we keep the spark alive in our sexual relationship

1:48

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or how we can restore that spark if we feel we've lost it.

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We've left this topic of sex until this stage of the course because

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every other part of our marriage affects our sexual relationship just

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as our sexual relationship affects every other part of our marriage.

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But that doesn't mean it's always easy.

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I don't know if you've ever had the experience of trying and trying to pull starter

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lawnmower or some other machine like that,

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that simply won't get going.

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I have a vivid memory as a young child on a hot summer's day of

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my father wheeling our old lawnmower out of the garage and trying to

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get it started.

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He kept pulling at the starter rope,

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but there was absolutely no sign of life in the mower.

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I then remember watching my father take the spark plug

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out and cleaning it with his handkerchief.

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Then you put it back and with one pull the mower burst into

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life. You need the spark if the mower is going to work.

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And it's the same with our sexual relationship.

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That spark ignites something very powerful.

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And the key to creating the spark is our emotional connection.

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Emotional connection creates good sex and good sex then

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produces a greater emotional connection.

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Sex is the ultimate body language through which we communicate our

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desire for our partner,

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our desire for closeness,

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comfort,

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love, protection,

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for wanting to have a child together,

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as well as it restoring our emotional well -being,

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which helps us to cope with the pressures of life.

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Even though we might struggle at various times and for various reasons,

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sex is a gift within our marriage to be enjoyed.

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We're

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going to look at five secrets to keep the spark alive in our sexual relationship.

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And the first secret is the importance of speaking to each other.

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Now we want to say at the outset,

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we recognise that talking about our sex life,

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even with our partner,

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can be difficult because it's a deeply private area of our lives

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and it requires us to be vulnerable with each other.

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And we want to reassure any of you who are feeling nervous about this session

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that if you make a start,

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even a small one,

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it can be the beginning of a process of talking that will gradually get

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easier.

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Unlike in most movies,

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sex in real life isn't always fantastic.

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For all of us,

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our sex life will go through good times and difficult times.

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The issues that stop the spark often have nothing to do with

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sex whatsoever.

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Couples may struggle as a result of the different pressures that they face

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at different times in their lives.

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Anxiety and stress will always work against a good

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sexual relationship.

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It could be from a very stressful job or it could be an illness or

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a bereavement.

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Pressure comes when a couple are struggling with infertility.

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And there are other pressures for couples with young children.

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Nicky and I can certainly identify with the pressures that having young children

4:48

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can bring.

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I remember so well in between our third and

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fourth child being born.

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Nicky and I went away for three days on our own.

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I was so looking forward to this time away.

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And I was really hoping that it was going to rekindle the spark that had largely

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gone out of our sex life for me at that stage,

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mostly because of physical tiredness from looking after three young

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children.

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And I was hoping the spark would reignite.

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However,

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after the second day,

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I remember feeling in total despair and wondering whether my

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body would ever be capable of responding in a sexually passionate way again.

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And I spent half of one night in tears,

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completely distraught about it.

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And it was only through talking and talking with

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Nicky that I felt he understood.

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And that made such a difference in getting through this difficult time together.

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And during this whole season with young children,

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we had to work hard to understand each other and to

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stay connected at an emotional level.

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And it felt like a long time,

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and I think it wasn't actually until our youngest child was about 18 months old

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that my body went back to responding anything like normally again.

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If we fail to make time and space to talk about our feelings,

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it so easily leads to misunderstanding and feelings of isolation.

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You may find it hard to talk to each other because you're embarrassed or your

6:12

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pride gets in the way as you feel you should just know instinctively what your

6:16

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partner enjoys.

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It's only through speaking about our sex life that

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we understand each other better and that will increase our intimacy.

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And both men and women need to keep asking each other

6:29

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questions such as where,

6:31

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how do you most enjoy making love,

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what can I do for you?

6:35

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What turns you on?

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What turns you off?

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And are there things that I can do that will help to create a sense of emotional

6:42

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closeness and connection between us?

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When things aren't going so well in our sexual

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relationship, we can easily feel isolated and start to think,

6:51

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I must be the only one that is facing this kind of situation.

6:55

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We want to emphasize that the vast majority of problems couples

7:00

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face are common and solvable,

7:02

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and they don't mean the end of our sexual relationship,

7:05

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especially if we approach them together as a team.

7:10

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If you've had any kind of negative sexual experience or abuse in your past,

7:14

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and it's affecting your relationship,

7:16

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we'd encourage you to get some help.

7:18

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For some people,

7:19

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a helpful catalyst for starting to talk about sex,

7:23

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including any problems you might be facing,

7:25

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is to get a book about building a good sex life.

7:28

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We recommend some on our website.

7:29

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We'd like you to turn in your journal to the first conversation,

7:33

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Understanding Each Other.

7:35

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And take a few minutes to discuss together whether you grew up with positive or

7:39

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negative messages about sex.

7:41

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Talk about whether your upbringing has made it easy or difficult for

7:45

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you to talk about your sexual relationship now.

7:47

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The next secret for building our sexual relationship

7:51

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is prioritising.

7:53

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Sex isn't just the icing on the cake of a marriage,

7:57

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it's an important ingredient of the cake itself.

8:00

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American therapist Michelle Viner -Davis,

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in her book The Sex Starved Marriage says,

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you have to continually discover and rediscover new

8:09

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ways to keep your sexual energy alive.

8:11

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It doesn't just happen,

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you have to make it happen.

8:15

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You have to decide to make having a vibrant,

8:17

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exciting,

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emotionally satisfying sexual relationship a priority.

8:23

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Familiarity in any area of life can so easily produce complacency,

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which in our sexual relationship makes us much more susceptible to the thought

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of an affair that seems to offer something new and different,

8:35

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or more vulnerable to the lure of pornography.

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Silla and I believe passionately that sex within marriage can continue

8:43

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with excitement,

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deepening passion and increasing freedom over a lifetime if

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we prioritize it.

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The Times newspaper recently reported on some research about the best

8:54

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age for certain activities.

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And they found the best age for great sex is 66.

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So we're all on an exciting journey.

9:03

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Prioritising means taking care of our sexual relationship.

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That means prioritising the time and guarding the physical

9:11

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space for our lovemaking.

9:12

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In practice,

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for most couples today,

9:14

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that will include leaving screens outside the bedroom.

9:18

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Trying to catch up with social media or doing our weekly online shop in

9:22

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bed can be the biggest romance killer.

9:24

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Some people say to us but we use our phone as an alarm clock.

9:28

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Well you can buy an alarm clock very cheaply which may just be the

9:32

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best investment you make for your sex life.

9:34

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Prioritising also means being creative,

9:36

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not always making love in the same place with the same routine.

9:40

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And we can vary the atmosphere by using candlelight or a dimmer switch,

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which creates a more sensual environment.

9:46

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We can vary who takes the initiative.

9:48

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It's so easy to get stuck in a rut and always make love in the same way.

9:53

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However, in being creative,

9:54

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the overarching attitude is to seek to give pleasure to our partner and

9:58

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not just take it.

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for ourselves.

10:00

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We need to approach variety with sensitivity at a mutually agreeable

10:05

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pace.

10:05

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Creativity in our sexual relationship requires us to make the effort

10:09

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to invest in this area of our life together.

10:12

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One of the things that has really worked well for Scylla and me over the years

10:16

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has been spending a night or two away in different surroundings.

10:19

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That's acted as a catalyst to reignite the spark

10:23

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if things have got a bit dull and routine.

10:25

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The third secret,

10:27

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if we're to keep the spark alive,

10:28

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is anticipating.

10:29

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Our most potent and important sexual

10:33

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asset is our mind.

10:35

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Having our own private language and private signals around sex

10:39

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sparks thoughts that create anticipation and build desire.

10:43

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And good sex doesn't start when we climb into bed at the end of the

10:47

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day.

10:47

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As one person said,

10:49

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the best sex starts at breakfast.

10:51

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Arousing each other,

10:52

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and not just when we're preparing to make love,

10:54

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but at different moments through the day with an extended kiss or by

10:58

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drawing our partner towards us in a close embrace or sending a message during

11:02

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the day telling each other what we're looking forward to,

11:05

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keeps the sexual energy simmering between us.

11:08

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Now,

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at certain times,

11:10

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love means holding back from making love,

11:13

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showing restraint for the sake of our partner.

11:16

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Restraint is an important part of a healthy pattern of lovemaking and it leads

11:20

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to increased anticipation.

11:22

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Another way to build anticipation is through romance.

11:25

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Romance has the potential to draw us into a world that belongs

11:29

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only to the two of us.

11:30

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A world in which our imagination is awakened and our senses are stimulated.

11:35

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It creates anticipation and sets the mood for good sex.

11:39

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Romance is the bridge between the everyday world

11:43

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of practicality and this

11:45

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private place of our sexual relationship.

11:47

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It's the antidote to sex becoming mechanical and routine,

11:51

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and it builds intimacy.

11:53

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And creating romance for one another needn't be complicated or expensive.

11:57

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It just involves doing something out of the ordinary that's appealing

12:01

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to our partner.

12:02

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And even if romance may not feel very natural to us,

12:06

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we can learn.

12:09

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The antithesis of romance and one of the biggest romance killers today

12:13

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that is affecting the way millions of people think about sex is the easy

12:17

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accessibility of pornography.

12:19

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Current research into the effects of porn on relationships shows

12:23

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it to be highly destructive and often terminal to a couple's sexual

12:27

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relationship.

12:28

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And in the long term,

12:29

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it conditions the way we think sexually about our partner.

12:33

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One woman said her husband hadn't touched her for four years because

12:37

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he preferred to sit in the basement looking at porn.

12:39

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We want to encourage you to have an honest

12:43

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conversation with your partner in as non -judgmental a way as possible.

12:47

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If you recognise that pornography has become a serious addiction,

12:51

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we urge you to get expert help as soon as possible.

12:55

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We also need to determine to guard our minds from inappropriate

12:59

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fantasizing.

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I remember one woman who spoke about becoming infatuated by her teenage

13:04

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daughter's boyfriend who was into doing weights at the gym.

13:07

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The relationship was all in her mind.

13:09

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It was a fantasy relationship,

13:10

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but she described how it almost destroyed her marriage.

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Fantasizing about other people isn't an option if we're

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to build a good sexual relationship with our husband or wife.

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Using our mind positively to create anticipation and

13:25

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arousal means focusing our thoughts on our partner sexually and

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erotically in preparation for lovemaking.

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Thinking romantically about our husband or wife builds

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intimacy between us.

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We want you to turn to the next conversation in your journal entitled Most

13:42

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Romantic Moments to get your mind going in a positive direction by

13:46

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focusing on romance.

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And tell each other what have been the most romantic times for you

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in your relationship,

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whether that's recently or when you first met.

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And listening really carefully to each other will be important for

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creating anticipation and being romantic in the future.

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The fourth secret is

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responding.

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Recognising what a powerful gift we have to give each other through our sexual relationship

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is a vital part of a marriage.

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In a survey a thousand married couples were asked questions about

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sexual responsiveness within their marriage and the survey found that

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75 % of the husbands interviewed and 25 % of the wives wanted

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more and better sex by which they meant wanting their partner to be

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more responsive and to show their desire for them.

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Many people don't realise that the way they respond sexually can have

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a huge emotional impact on their partner.

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One husband from that survey spoke for many men when he said,

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when she says no,

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I feel that I'm rejected.

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No is not no to sex,

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as she might feel,

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it's no to me as I am.

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And I'm vulnerable as I ask or initiate.

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And when we as wives understand this and show...

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So our desire for our husband,

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we're communicating our love for him in a very powerful way,

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not just on a physical level,

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but a deep emotional level too.

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Being responsive may mean taking the initiative

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to make love as a deliberate choice,

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even though we may be tired or we're feeling stressed by work or

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the circumstances don't match up to our highest expectations.

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For most women,

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and for a significant number of men,

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sex starts as a decision and then arousal follows.

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Responding sexually

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can give our partner an amazing sense of confidence and wellbeing about life.

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However, responsiveness requires a climate of trust between us.

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Trust is the foundation of a good sexual relationship.

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A sex requires the ability to feel free to give ourselves

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completely to our partner,

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to let go both physically and emotionally.

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This is challenging for many people and only happens where

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there is deep trust.

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Any unresolved hurt between us will undermine trust and must

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be healed,

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not least for the sake of our sexual relationship.

16:08

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Michelle Viner -Davis writes,

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In my years as a marriage therapist,

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I can tell you with confidence that holding grudges is one of the most

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effective methods for killing desire that I've ever seen.

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Sometimes letting go of the past feels like an impossible

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feat, especially when the hurt is enormous.

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But letting go of the past is possible through choosing

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to forgive.

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Sila and I have seen couples do that again and again,

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even where there's been unfaithfulness or another major betrayal

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of trust.

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Forgiveness is a vital factor in rebuilding trust,

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which then enables us to be sexually responsive to our partner again.

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We want to go on to the fifth and final secret for keeping the spark

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alive, kindness.

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The first thing that we as men must learn about sex

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is that it's about giving.

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I heard a speaker called Tom Nelson say this.

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Physically,

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many men can be ready any time,

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any place.

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But a man cannot be a good lover unless he's helped with the

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washing up, filled the car up with fuel,

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taken out the rubbish and been sensitive towards his wife's needs.

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Kindness means not only showing support in practical ways,

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but also taking time to tune into our wife's emotional

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needs.

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Psychologists consistently tell us that men and women are wired

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differently when it comes to sexual arousal.

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We found a diagram which illustrates something of these differences.

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The top half is the man and you can see the on -off

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switch is very clear.

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And the bottom half is the woman,

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where it's slightly more complicated.

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And as one man on the marriage course said to us,

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what's more,

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the wiring gets changed about every two weeks.

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In our culture today,

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sex has become very individualistic,

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very self -oriented.

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So that the questions most often asked are,

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how can I satisfy my desires?

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How can I obtain maximum pleasure?

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But good sex has to be other -oriented.

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And as men,

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we have to learn and relearn to give emotionally first.

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And that takes time.

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For a woman to give herself,

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she must feel safe,

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loved and special.

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When kindness is lacking,

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it can lead people to using the other person for their own selfish ends,

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to cruelty,

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and even to physical violence.

18:28

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According to the UN,

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violence against women currently affects one in three women worldwide.

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And most terrible of all is that some of that takes place in

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the bedroom.

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The bedroom is where we make ourselves ultimately vulnerable,

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where we're most intimate with each other.

18:45

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The bedroom should be the place where a woman knows that here

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she is safe and loved.

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Here she'll be treated kindly and tenderly.

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Here she'll be cherished by a man who knows her like no other.

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Being kind might mean we need to increase gentle touching,

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being affectionate,

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holding hands,

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putting an arm around our partner's shoulder,

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giving a hug or brushing each other as we pass.

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If a man only touches his wife when he wants sex,

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he sends a terrible signal.

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his wife will feel used rather than loved.

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And this can lead to no physical contact at all as his wife backs

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off, in case it's interpreted by her husband as an encouragement for

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sex.

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Finally,

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for both men and women,

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being kind with our words has a huge impact on our lovemaking.

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There's a very strong link between building each other's self -esteem and

19:41

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building an intimate sexual relationship.

19:43

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We need to make it a rule,

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never to criticise our husband or wife's natural shape,

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nor to compare their body to the images of apparent

19:53

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perfection we see on magazine covers,

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in advertisements and on many social media feeds,

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which in reality...

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are impossible to achieve,

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even for the models themselves.

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Instead,

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we mustn't stop telling our partner what we love about their body because

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good sex requires self -confidence.

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Our kind words will build confidence in our partner.

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At the same time,

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we need to take care of our own bodies for each other's sake.

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Most people,

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when they're engaged,

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go to great lengths to keep fit and healthy and look good,

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especially for their wedding.

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But then,

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sadly, once married,

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some people stop making an effort.

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As far as our health allows,

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making the effort to stay fit and to be attractive to our partner

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within marriage.

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is a way of being kind and we'll build our intimacy.

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The next conversation in your journal,

20:45

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Talking About Sex,

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is an opportunity to discuss your hopes and fears with each other.

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We suggest you write something in answer to the questions in A,

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B and C that are relevant to you.

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You don't need to write an essay,

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but it'll help your conversation to write something.

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And then show each other what you've written and start to talk about what

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you've each put.

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And for some of you,

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that'll be very difficult.

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But we want to encourage you to start where you feel able and it'll become

21:13

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easier.

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Without entirely giving it away,

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your continuing conversation for this week is all practical.

21:21

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One husband told me on the way out of this session that they always did theirs

21:25

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on the way home.

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It wasn't until they were on the train that they saw in their journal what it involved.

21:30

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We've spent this session looking at how we keep the spark alive.

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In this final part,

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we want to look at how we protect the flame of our sexual relationship.

21:40

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A flame with little emotional connection burns out quickly,

21:43

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while the same flame with a large amount of emotional connection

21:47

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will burn for a long time,

21:49

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and the connection feeds and protects this flame.

21:52

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It's our emotional connection with each other that ultimately maintains

21:56

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our sexual attraction to each other.

21:58

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You'll have heard it said,

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the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

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There's another,

22:04

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much truer saying,

22:05

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the grass will be greener where you water it.

22:08

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Nurturing our emotional connection keeps the flame

22:12

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alive over the long haul.

22:14

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Protecting the flame of our sexual relationship is vital,

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as none of us is exempt from the danger of an affair.

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In order to protect the flame,

22:24

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we need to take practical steps to affair -proof our marriage.

22:27

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The first step is build each other up.

22:30

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The most common cause of affairs is a failure to meet each

22:34

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other's emotional needs for encouragement,

22:36

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affection,

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attention and so on.

22:38

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An actress who co -starred with a Hollywood superstar was asked if she

22:42

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found him sexy.

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She replied,

22:59

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The second step to a fair proof our marriage is set boundaries.

23:03

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Infidelity starts and stops in the mind.

23:06

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We can't help ourselves being attracted to other people,

23:09

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but we can decide whether or not to entertain such thoughts.

23:13

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Jesus' words offer the best protection.

23:15

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You've heard that it was said,

23:17

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do not commit adultery.

23:18

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But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already

23:22

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committed adultery with her in his heart.

23:25

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As one man put it,

23:26

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the difference between simply looking at a woman and looking at her lustfully is

23:30

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usually about five seconds.

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